Tech mogul or movie villain? Well, they both want private islands, exempt from ethical, legal, or even logical standards Most nerds can point to difficult childhood memories: searing moments when the geek persona meets the unexpectedly harsh side of social reality; a spasm of turtle-shell social wariness that has us wishing for a place where we were the norm and the rest of the world would leave us alone. That’s often the first subtle step on a walk that, to some degree, deliberately separates those of us who feel we’re too intelligent to be happy in this world from those of us we feel are plebian enough to thrive there. Fortunately, most of us recognize these insidious isolationist tendencies and identify them as childish impulses before they get out of hand and further damage our lives — but not all. Certainly, that memo didn’t reach Balaji Srinivasn, a newly minted general partner at VC firm Andreessen Horowitz, who wants to move all the people he likes to a protected geek sanctuary off the coast of California, unbothered by his non-BFFs, co-citizens, and the tax man. We all have our magnificent midnight mind farts, but clearly, the mental fog had yet to break when Srinivasn cracked open his bleary peepers the next morning. He really thought he was on to something, and he’s been making enough noise about it over the last few months that it’s become more than another nutty tweetfest. All I can think is that the day before his aforementioned midnight moment, Srinivasn must have binge-watched one too many episodes of Syfy’s “Eureka.” Tech utopia now! Suspiciously similar to that TV saga, he wants the not-so-smarts to fund an autonomous zone within the United States to house the smarts and let them do whatever they want without “bothering” the rest of us. Presumably, he’ll allow us to continue evolving thumbs while farming their food and protecting them from hordes of other thumbless trogs sent by third-world governments to steal their research. Within this zone, the smarts will be allowed to play with and, inevitably, innovate new technologies and scientific wonderments without the nuisance of legal, governmental, or even conventional moral oversight. After all, when you put ex-startup CEOs in a room together and leave them alone, what else could happen? An Xbox tournament — or a business plan for an online dog grooming service? Srinivasn describes his dream island as being populated by “inverse Amish,” big-IQ people who lust after new technical advancements instead of abstaining from them. We should be happy to support this benevolent upper-brain class; just like President Ronald Reagan’s trickle-down economy, the money we pour into this project in the form of tax breaks, unlimited logistical support, and Mountain Dew will eventually dribble new innovations that bring colorful salvation into our gray, Luddite lives. All the tech moguls are doing it Finally, people crazier than the tea party! Yes, it is “people,” not “person” — the tech exalted have come out in support of Srinivasn. He’s not the only one to come up with the idea either. PayPal founder Peter Thiel is building a floating version; Google co-founder Larry Page wants in too. I suppose that’s what bothers me: One wingnut preaching a techno-separationist sermon is worth a smile and a shrug, but a small movement — in all seriousness and with their bare faces hanging out — asking the world for support, that’s downright offensive. Truth is, Srinivasn, your idea isn’t just painfully arrogant — it’s also flagrantly devoid of merit. You can’t can innovation. You can’t invent viral. Just because the people whom you hope will come to inhabit your nerdvana might have had previous inventive success by no means indicates they’ll do it again, especially if the people you choose, like you, seem to grade intelligence by only the size of round 1 VC financing and creativity only if it’s vomited out as a slick brand. Drop a few thousand of those kinds of folks onto an island off central California, and you can glaze that place with Google Glass, hand out free Surface Pro tablets on every street corner, and rain Skittles on Sundays. You still won’t be able to guarantee any more innovation than might come out of a dank, Coke bottle-encrusted basement a few blocks from any community college or public high school. Inverse Amish? It sounds more like an inverse leper colony that winds up more distrustful of us non-techno Elois than an undiscovered New Guinea jungle tribe. Real innovation is unpredictable and weird, like the Yemeni dad who digitized his daughter’s dowry into 1 million likes to promote the poetry on his Facebook page or the municipal politician who resigned in Klingon — or my idea for a tech curmudgeon zone where only the snarky ruled and lower castes are composed of supermodels with forgiving standards and French Creole chefs looking for a place to express themselves without regard for federal nutrition laws. Now that’s innovation! Moreau, I presume? Srinivasn’s current startup is about genetic research, fittingly since this scenario has an “Island of Dr. Moreau” flavor. Let’s definitely couple that kind of startup with a boatload of federal funding and drop the whole shebang onto an island free of pesky legal or ethical restraints. Come visit that place again in a couple of years and be amazed at all the innovation — that is, if the island’s new mutant population, governed by Skynet, doesn’t flap the leathery wings that used to be their ears, fly over to the mainland, drop off the zombie apocalypse’s patient zero, then bite your head off. Sound outlandish? No more so than expecting nerd island to spin off anything more benevolent or inventive than a new Snapchat logo. Innovation and creativity direct their own plays, and they choose their own players. Any attempts to package them have always ended in greedy failure, and any future tries certainly shouldn’t be rewarded with government-funded, classist, geek-luxury isolation; legal immunity; tax breaks; and bulging barges of techno-toys. Get a grip and realize that moving us forward isn’t a job for a few pointy heads behind some intellectual moat. To be relevant, your so-called upper class of smart, creative, innovative brains is going to have to lower the drawbridge, find adult ways of interacting with people, and stay here in the mediocre muck of the real world — with the rest of us. Technology Industry