Toshiba preps the Zune, banker croons new tune

Michael Dell is probably sending roses to Steve Jobs right about now. When Apple announced its recall of 1.8 million laptop batteries it (ahem) took the heat off Dell and put it on squarely on Sony. The beleaguered battery maker may spend more than $200 million handling both recalls; meanwhile, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission is sniffing other Sony products for signs of smoke. I see a new slogan: “Sony. Fried Baloney.”

Zuned Up Beyond All Recognition: It seems Toshiba will be the first vendor on its block to ship a Microsoft Zune “iPod killer.” According to papers filed with the FCC, Toshiba may rename the device Pyxis, and that’s a good thing. Reader Alon H. points out that “Zune” (pronounced “Z-yoo-n”) is a vulgar word in Hebrew. As in, “By releasing its own portable media player spec, Microsoft is trying to Zune all of its PlaysForSure OEM partners.”

With a Little Help From My Friends: One-time star investment banker and occasional crooner Frank Quattrone is singing a happier tune, after a federal judge deferred prosecution on charges of deliberately obstructing an FBI probe into some questionable IPOs. Quattrone had to pledge to avoid breaking any laws for 12 months and associate “only with law-abiding persons.” So much for his plans to re-enter the securities field.

Because Pauly Shore Was Unavailable: In a further sign that the apocalypse must be imminent, YouTube has given Paris Hilton her own video channel. Here you can watch blurry clips of America’s Ditziest Heiress nuzzling puppies in Tokyo, courtesy of cell phones using ShoZu, software that lets cell phone videographers post their handiwork to the Web. “ShoZu” is apparently Japanese for “out of focus,” whereas “Hilton” is American for “trollop.”

And It All Runs Downhill: A Cringester who requested anonymity says when a friend ran Microsoft BS (Baseline Security) Analyzer on an XP Pro SP2 machine, the cumulative size of the patches that were required exceeded the size of the original OS. I’m not surprised. The volume of Microsoft’s BS I’ve analyzed could fill Bill Gates’ house.

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