Did you hear the one about the tech-savvy senator?

Government always follows the pointing fingers of the fourth estate, though usually in the wrong direction. It’s been two days since I posted about the rising popularity of superfluous, unnecessary, and downright useless features and doodads coming out of the sweat-soaked R&D labs of the world’s mobile device manufacturers. It can’t be mere coincidence the government sensed which way the wind was blowing and jumped in — albeit on a train moving down the exact opposite track.

On Friday, Mark Leno, a San Francisco senator on the Democrat side of the house, is seeking to surf the bottom of the legislative IQ bell curve by introducing a bill that would force manufacturers to put “kill switches” on all mobile devices sold in California. (In light of what I fervently pray is his perverse sense of humor, I hope he’s a relation to a certain recently retired late-night talk show comedian.) The bill is co-sponsored by the city’s district attorney, George Gascón, and would institute fines of up to $2,500 for each device sold that doesn’t come equipped with this nebulously defined, ill-considered, and flatly cement-headed feature.

For those who aren’t familiar with the concept, a kill switch is a mechanism, physical or software-based, that would turn a device into an expensive paperweight, like some senatorial craniums, if certain criteria are met. Unfortunately, such a power can not be applied to our legislative bodies as the current Constitution stands.

The devil you know

Let’s put aside the fact that asking global manufacturing companies to institute policies that satisfy only portions of certain countries sounds like the brainchild of people who attended elementary school at a Papa John’s Pizza franchise. It’s the mobile service providers we think are demonic baby-eaters, guys; the folks who manufacture devices are sweet, innocent multinational executives who attend Satanic mass only once or twice a year. Think about whom you’re targeting.

But that’s neither here, there, nor anywhere. The real issue is that two governing coneheads sat in the Forced Breach Pub and analyzed reams of evidence detailing malicious hacker attacks that exploit any platform vulnerability in order to cause mayhem, financial loss, and general sadness. They then presumably — hopefully? — took a swig of absinthe and decided the answer was to build a one-touch device destruction feature.

Like moths to a flame

That’s like a military contractor sticking glow lights on Marine combat helmets as personal target indicators and marketing them as a “convenience” feature. What are the chances that entire high schools in the Ukraine aren’t going to gang up and exploit this technology to shut down U.S. communications and highway sexting? The only beneficiaries to such a policy that I can conceive would be the hordes of third-world, cave- and basement-dwelling digital pirates and vandals the NSA keeps preaching about, along with device manufacturers that will do anything to sell as many new SKUs as possible.

Whoa.

If I were an aging, cynical, techno-snark, which I’m absolutely not, I might ask to see the campaign donors list for two wingnut San Francisco politicians. But I’m definitely not such a person and the concept I’m not so subtly hinting at is too evil to contemplate in the real world — just a wild conspiracy theory like UFOs interred in Nevada or Linux on the desktop.

Let’s stick to known facts. The concept of forcing a mechanism into any device to instantly destroy it, like a kill switch into a phone, a dormant plastic explosive into a Prius, or Super Bowl pressure on Peyton Manning, is the kind of inane nonsense we’ve come to expect from our government on matters technical. It will also prove as effective as the video of terrorists showing their most recent U.S. military hostage: a dog. I mean, I feel bad for the captured canine, but odds are the U.S. government won’t change global policy to save it, considering dogs are typically sent into areas first to test if they’re safe for humans.

Besides, we already enjoy this feature on a semi-unintentional basis, don’t we? When Microsoft wants us to buy a new Windows Phone, it issues an OS update, which immediately turns X percent of Lumia or HTCs into bricks. When Apple needs more hardware revenue, it gives its display screens a snazzier name and claims they’re scratchproof, so you’ll think nothing of putting them in a pocket with your keys. Meanwhile, Android manufacturers send out sweets-inspired updates, so you’ll (1) buy a new device on your way home and (2) be subconsciously prompted to stuff your face with candy or ice cream.

Innovation is being crushed beneath our patent system, privacy is a smoking crater because of our intelligence community, and our belief in the basic decency of man is being violated by multiple techno-company CEOs on a regular basis. Do we need actual government intervention to make our lives more miserable and our wallets a little bit thinner? It doesn’t take a smart switch to figure that one out.