Great moments in geekdom

Seventeen years, two months, and 16 days ago, I wrote my first column for this esteemed rag. Back then I could barely spell DOS, let alone sniff out scoops. Since that day I’ve worn out a dozen hats and at least as many editors, and reported nearly 2,000 bits of rumor, gossip, and corporate innuendo. In honor of InfoWorld’s 25th anniversary, my editor asked me (OK, he offered me 50 clams) to recount some of the more dubious moments of geek history.

Don’t Look, Don’t Feel: The late ’80s prove a boon for cybershysters. Lotus sues Borland for copping the interface from its 1-2-3 spreadsheet, which it lifted from VisiCalc. Apple sues for borrowing its GUI, which it pinched from Xerox. Xerox sues Apple for filching its GUI, which it apparently didn’t steal from anyone. Xerox never made a dime from the proceedings. Moral of the story: Originality gets you nowhere. Lord knows, that’s been my motto.

Nicely Done: Intel releases the Pentium chip in 1994, which is a smash until math professor Thomas Nicely discovers it can’t calculate accurately beyond eight decimal places. Intel recalls the chip at a cost of $475 million, but rejects new advertising slogan: “Pentium — now 99.999875 percent accurate.”

Two Words: Microsoft Bob.

InfoWorld Bob: In December 1995 our own Bob Metcalfe predicts in his From the Ether column that the Internet will collapse within a year. It doesn’t, and in April 1997, Metcalfe eats his words — literally — but only after popping the column in a blender and hitting Puree.

Getting the Business: Savvy speculator Marc Ostrofsky buys business.com domain for $150,000 in 1997 and sells it two years later for $7.5 million. (Estimated value in today’s dollars: 67 cents.) Strangely, reamed-up-the-wazoo.com remains unclaimed to this day.

100 Billion Hours Free: In 1993 AOL begins campaign to tile the earth’s surface with free trial CDs. In 2000 CEO Steve Case adopts new quest and suckers the world’s largest media conglomerate into purchasing AOL for more than $100 billion. Time Warner is now seeking a buyer; rumored asking price: $1.83.

A Starr Is Porn: Online filth, lewdness, and depravity reach a new low in September 1998 as the Starr Report is released online. Citizens concerned about the constitutional implications of the Clinton-Lewinsky affair flood search engines looking for “cigar,” “blue dress,” and “thong.” In a fitting twist, a site set up at the time to distribute the report is now a porn directory.

I’m Y2K, You’re Y2K: Experts predict worldwide chaos as the Y2K bug transports society back to 1901. Prices of beef jerky soar, software engineers learn how to trap their own food, and Ted Nugent finally becomes a role model. Estimates of damage reach into the trillions; actual damage: $12.87.

Belle of the Ballmer: In August 2001, the Steve Ballmer Monkey Boy Dance surpasses the Dancing Baby and the Tommy and Pamela sex tape as the most disturbing video on the Net.

And no dork history would be complete without a look toward the future:

In the Year 2028: Microsoft releases its 3,245,687th critical update, fixing a flaw in Internet Explorer 27 that allows the world’s computers to become self-aware and begin terminating all humans. Bill Gates accepts the Medal of Geekdom from Emperor Arnold Schwarzenegger, and a grateful nation reboots.

Got hot tips? Send ‘em to cringe@infoworld.com and ye shall be rewarded.