Surviving the Mapocalypse: Apple’s map app careens off-course

In case you haven’t heard, there’s a new iPhone available today, along with a spiffy new operating system: iOS6. Among the many new treasures available with it is a new home-grown Apple Maps app, replacing Google Maps.

The result? Utter hilarity. Apple Maps is spectacularly bad — so bad it has earned itself its own Internet meme: The Mapocalypse.

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This is Apple’s most spectacular f**k up in recent memory, easily surpassing the “you’re holding it the wrong way” reception problems with the iPhone 4’s external antenna. That glitch really only affected a handful of people — literally, left handed people. Apple Maps (Craps?) is a bounty that can be enjoyed by all.

The Verge has an excellent slide show displaying the various mistakes, omissions, and downright surreal images being produced by the app. (There’s also a Tumblr blog devoted to it.) If Salvador Dali designed maps, he couldn’t have done a better job than this image of freeways wiggling like a heat mirage. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Dali estate sues Apple for trademark infringement.

In the Big Apple, the Maps app was unable to locate Apple’s famous 5th Avenue shrine store and somehow managed to leave out the Brooklyn Bridge and the Statute of Liberty entirely.

But the problems across the pond were much worse. Apple Maps mistook a cathedral in Stockholm for a Burger King. Large swaths of London and Tokyo were missing entirely. There’s a tiny hamlet in Austria where every street name starts with the F word. And then there’s this:

Ireland Minister for Justice Alan Shatter issued a statement saying he was concerned that a 35-acre garden and farm called Airfield in his district had been mislabeled with an airport icon. “Clearly the designation is not only wrong but is dangerously misleading,” said Shatter.

Mr. Minister, a Delta 767 is asking for clearance to land in the petunia patch. What shall we tell them?

Not surprisingly, Twitter is abuzz with snarky tweets and images captured from iOS6 devices, as well as the inevitable parody accounts.

The Maps snafu (Mapsfu?) is so bad that Apple actually felt compelled to comment. You know things are bad when Apple deigns to talk to the press during non-Special Event hours. Apple spokesbiped Trudy Miller told AllThings D’s John Paczkowski:

“We launched this new map service knowing it is a major initiative and that we are just getting started with it. Maps is a cloud-based solution and the more people use it, the better it will get. We appreciate all of the customer feedback and are working hard to make the customer experience even better.”

Sorry Trudy, I don’t think that’s possible. It just doesn’t get any better than this. But I do appreciate the lesson in how to make a mea culpa without actually acknowledging the problem or apologizing for the screwup. That woman has a future in politics.

The Real Dan Lyon asks a key question: How did the fanboys who wrote such over-the-top reviews of Jesus Phone 5 manage to miss all this?

If the new maps app is truly this bad, how come none of those glowing first-round reviews made any mention of this fact? Thousands of words were devoted to the thinness, the lightness, the wonderful way it feels when you hold it in your hand, but there was hardly a quibble about maps.

If nothing else, Mapocalypse is proof that the Jobs reality distortion field is still holding, even if Steve is no longer with us. As John Paczkowski points out, that field is so strong it’s even distorting the maps.

Remember that this is not some inconsequential thing. Maps are important. Location is everything in the mobile future. Things like augmented reality that show you all the services near you at any time (along with ads for those services) are going to be standard on mobile devices in just a few years. That’s the whole reason why Apple finally chucked Google and went with its own app. They didn’t want their primary competitor owning this vital piece of the puzzle.

The question I have to ask, though, is this: Do you think this would have happened if Steve J. were still at the helm? Does anyone believe he would have let this app slip out the door in this condition and then say “Don’t worry, it will get better, eventually”? There would have been an earthquake in Cupertino if that happened. His rage would have set off seismographs all over the West Coast.

Maybe that’s happening now. Maybe Tim Cook is calling an all-hands meeting to discuss how his team managed to screw up so badly. But I doubt it. To me, Mapocalypse is the clearest indication yet that we are truly in the post-Jobs era. And that’s not good news for Apple fans.

Where were you when the maps went out? Post your thoughts on Mapocalypse below or email me: cringe@infoworld.com.

This article, “Surviving the Mapocalypse: Apple’s map app careens off-course,” was originally published at InfoWorld.com. Follow the crazy twists and turns of the tech industry with Robert X. Cringely’s Notes from the Field blog, and subscribe to Cringely’s Notes from the Underground newsletter.