The tech who almost killed Saddam

Everyone has stories of the Novell server that ran for 12 years and was found only after a Y2K upgrade. I, on the other hand, had a coworker with Saddam in his gun sights

His peculiarities led him to believe that hubs were the most secure network devices (a whole other story) since they don’t usually have user names and passwords, thus not allowing anyone to sniff traffic. He had set up an intricate 20 interlinked hubs that ran the corporate network for the large Fortune 500 company we worked for.

This guy managed to find a few people that would listen to him at any time and wasted more time drinking coffee and shooting the breeze than IT work. His attempts to try and take over our weekly meetings with “I can top that” stories grew tiresome pretty quickly. His stories never really related to the IT world and mostly served as a diversionary tactic when a meeting’s subject matter was over his head.

Bill was a Texan through and through and claimed to have served black ops for the government since he was about 15. He said he had been handpicked by the then-President George Bush Sr. for a secret mission. His squad was unknown to the military world and recognized only by its tattoo, which he had removed in order to protect his family. Bill had told this story many times, and by the time I was granted the privilege of hearing it firsthand, it had changed slightly to include Bill Clinton calling to cancel the hit just after he was elected in 1993.

Bill’s story went as follows:

I was called late on the 4th of July in 1992 by the one and only president of the United States to once again serve my country and do the impossible. (Had he saved us before? Did we owe him our freedom?) I gladly accepted this challenge and immediately reported to the local military base for my new black op mission. The ride was long and tough, but I knew where I was going. Operation Desert Storm had failed, and the President wanted his biggest problem to “disappear.” I knew I was headed to Iraq and my mission would be tough.

I spent the better part of a week scouting the area and making friends with the locals. My ability to blend in worked to my advantage. On one especially hot day, I checked in with commander via satellite phone and told him I was ready to make the hit. He urged me to watch for rebels and make sure I got the SOB. So I stayed in my desert camos and secretly moved out late that night to wait out for him: Saddam.

I had my sniper rifle up and ready, and I waited 2 days for the caravan that would be carrying Saddam. A trail of dust rose about 5 miles away and I knew it was time, but unknown to me, the presidential elections had come and gone, and I was now under a new U.S. president who called with only moments to spare and told me to cancel the mission and save my life. “Get out of there!” he said. (We were really impressed. we had no idea that 6 months had gone by. I must never travel to Iraq for fear of time warps!)

Outrageous to believe even now, it was even better in person. We of course asked him to speak some Arabic and asked what model sniper rifle he used, but aside from some obviously fake Arabic, we knew the whole truth. Sadly, the guy really thought he had been there and should have killed Saddam. I personally think he saw an episode of The Simpsons where Saddam was in the scope but was saved by Krusty, who needed him alive for jokes. Bill must have liked the story so much, he built on it.

Bill was so impressive with his personal achievement history that we decided to dedicate a whole white board to him and his magnificent feats. Bill had not only “almost” killed Saddam but had met Presidents George Bush Sr. and Bill Clinton (who awarded him the Purple Heart in a private ceremony), met Bill and Melinda Gates at their house for a private dinner, and boasted well over $6 million in the bank from black op funds. He insisted that his real name was only known to the United States government, which wouldn’t validate he even existed (of course). Oh, and he also had more metal in his left leg than he had bone. Those were the top tales I remember. I’m sure there were many others.

Two years into the white board’s existence (of which Bill was quite aware), we added his claim of being able to snipe at 1 mile. He then challenged the entire technical team to a paintball game. A few coworkers and I went the extra mile and bought 6 Saddam masks, and the team wore them while we were hunted. Bill was shot after shooting one of the girls on the team who was sitting on a log. Our masks and his early defeat caused him to never came back to work. He e-mailed his resignation, claiming a hostile work environment.