Coaching a peer

Dear Bob …

As in any organization, in ours there are go-to people, and those whom you avoid assigning to mission critical tasks. We all try to seek the solution or the path to the solution. However, some are less effective than others at seeing the ‘big’ picture.

In recent meetings with outside organizations over cooperative efforts, a colleague of mine demonstrated his tendency to make a sharp point very dull. When I or another would make a point, driving towards a common vision, this colleague would jump in and turn a 30-second point into a three or four minute oration, lacking in focus, and blunting the group progress.

My colleague is sincere, effective, and motivated. But he talks too much, and doesn’t recognize when he is dragging the group down rather than pushing it forward.

Undoubtedly I will talk to him. Besides being a colleague, he is a friend and an overall good guy. My question is, how do I say what has to be said?

What frame of mind should I set for myself and him as a precursor to our conversation? Overall, how do I help him become a better contributor to the ‘big picture’ vision, without irreversibly hurting his feelings and our relationship?

I want to do the right thing. Is staying quiet an option? I don’t think so, but some deliberation before I talk to him is absolutely necessary.

– Biting my tongue

Dear Dental …

Seems to me you have just a few choices. Which is the right one depends on just how good a friend this person is.

If he’s a good friend he’ll appreciate your suggestions, so long as there aren’t too many of them. Good friends want good friends to help them see themselves.

If he’s just a friend, keep firmly in mind that with few exceptions, unsolicited advice is unwelcome advice. You’re unlikely to accomplish much, and because you’re treading where you have no responsibility, a who-do-you-think-you-are response is at least as likely as, “Gee, thanks, I didn’t realize that.”

Which is to say, coaching a peer isn’t your job, isn’t your responsibility, and most important of all, isn’t likely to result in a positive outcome. You’re better off approaching your friend’s boss … quietly and discreetly … to let him know there’s a “coaching opportunity.”

Or, just grin, bear it, and live with it. You’re right that this trait is making your friend less effective than he otherwise might be. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s something that has to get fixed.

If you’re sure you need to approach him and the only question is how, I can suggest several approaches. The first is to start greeting him with, “Hey, motormouth! How’s the vocabulary today?”

Maybe not. How about this instead: “Jerry, there’s something I need to talk with you about. I don’t think you’re going to like it, but you do need to hear it.” Then tell him exactly what you told me, and finish with, “I think you’d be more persuasive if you picked your spots more carefully and practiced being concise when you do.”

If he’s the kind of guy who wants to improve himself, perhaps he’ll listen.

– Bob

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