Dear Bob, I know you are not Dear Abby but this is about a personal situation that definitely is affecting the workplace. Last year I had an affair with a contractor at work. During the affair, this contractor was hired into my group in a position above me. I had no input on the hiring and received no favoritism from this person when they were making job assignments. We have since stopped seeing each other soci Dear Bob,I know you are not Dear Abby but this is about a personal situation that definitely is affecting the workplace. Last year I had an affair with a contractor at work. During the affair, this contractor was hired into my group in a position above me. I had no input on the hiring and received no favoritism from this person when they were making job assignments. We have since stopped seeing each other socially but still work together. I did have to tell HR about the affair for other reasons. According to them, no company rules were broken but they were underwhelmed that the contractor took the position when there was already a personal relationship. The problem is that since we broke up this person has severely cut back on my work assignments. At first I thought it could have just been my perception but I have since spoken with all of the other developers in the group. It is not just my work load that has been affected. The only person that has not expressed displeasure about the work assignments is the friend of contractor that seems to be getting all of the assignments while the rest of us are left not exactly idle, but with lesser jobs. Those two are acting in a way that seems very familiar to me. I found out after the break-up that all of the people that we thought were not paying attention to us really were and suspected what was happening but since I was receiving no benefit from the relationship, they never made an issue of it. Now that they are seeing favoritism base on a personal relationship, real or perceived, it is a problem. I know that most of the group is now looking for other positions within the company. This group has done some fantastic things for the company, even with the discord. We all treat each other professionally when we interact but the implosion is not that far off. My manager has no idea (as far as I know) about the relationship that the two of us had or about the discontent in the group. Is there any way I can bring this up to my manager without sounding like a bitter ex? If I do, should I tell the manager about the past relationship? Or, should I simply keep my mouth shut and wait? – Fouled my own NestDear Fouled …First of all, while I’ll probably get some flack for saying this, I’d say the affair itself was no big deal unless one or the other of you were married at the time. And even if that was the case, it was no big deal from a work perspective, so long as you kept your personal matters personal and after hours. To those who would say having an affair with a co-worker is unprofessional, let me say this: I sure hope so! Which is to say, the way you do your job is a professional matter; with whom you fall in love is not. And if it’s merely physical attraction and not love, so what? It’s still your personal life, and that of the other person, and so long as that’s where it stays, it’s nobody else’s business.If there’s a reporting relationship then the situation is different for all the obvious reasons. But even there, the notion that falling in love is somehow immoral is stupid. It sometimes happens when two people get to each other well. It’s what you do next that matters: One or the other of you had better change jobs.Okay, so much for the soapbox. On to your specific situation. The only circumstances under which you should you discuss this with your manager is if your manager brings it up, and even then I’d seriously consider responding with, “I try to keep my personal and professional lives separate,” or some other polite equivalent to “None of your business.” Seems to me you have two options, which aren’t mutually exclusive. The first is to have a private chat with your ex-lover. Assuming your breakup wasn’t bitter or otherwise alienating, explain that whatever the reality, many of your co-workers are complaining about perceived favoritism, and suspect an affair. Don’t suggest anything, though. The right conclusion to the conversation is, “I thought you deserved to know what’s being said. It’s up to you to decide what to do about it.”That’s your first option. The second is to get the hell out of Dodge. Because if your ex doesn’t make the right decision, at some point things will get ugly and when they do, your affair will become an issue with the group’s manager. Whether or not it should doesn’t matter – it will.– Bob ——– Technology Industry