When you and a direct report are chums

Dear Bob …

It’s performance appraisal time, and I find myself in a dilemma of my own making. One of my managers, “Fred” (not his real name) and I have become social friends over the eight years we’ve worked together. Our families have backyard barbecues together, we’re in the same bowling league, we belong to the same church and bible study group.

It’s never been a problem. We’re a relatively small IT shop (25 staff members; 4 managers), Fred has always been a strong performer, and everyone else knows that during work hours I don’t play favorites.

This year is different. Due to family problems (one of his boys is now a teenager and has started to make some bad decisions), Fred has been distracted this year, and he simply hasn’t been himself at the office. His personal performance has been poor and he hasn’t dealt well with a couple of staff issues. There has been a bit of absenteeism as well – he calls them “mental health days,” but he doesn’t count them either as sick or vacation days when he takes them, and I know that on at least one occasion he was out getting his boy out of trouble.

I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to add to his problems, but on the other hand his work hasn’t been very good.

What do you think?

– Manager and Friend

Dear M&F …

I want you to imagine that one of the other managers reporting to you was asking you for advice about someone who reported to her, with whom she and her family were socially friendly, and so on. What advice would you give her? Whatever it is, that’s what you should do right now.

Here are some points I think you’d make:

• It’s easy to play no favorites when your favorite is a top performer. This is the first chance you, Fred, and everyone else have to find out.

• You say you play no favorites. Are you sure about that? Are you sure everyone else shares that perception?

• You have to decide which comes first – your friendship or your professional obligations. Even that isn’t accurate. You have to decide whether your professional obligations outweigh the risk of damaging your friendship. That’s because …
• Fred has to decide whether your obligation to provide an accurate assessment of his performance constitutes a breach of friendship, or whether the risk of losing his friendship is a valid reason for you to do anything else.

Here’s a different way of looking at the situation: Not having firsthand knowledge of anyone else’s family situation, would you cut them the same slack you’re tempted to cut Fred? If so … and better, if you already have … then give him the same break.

This isn’t to say managers should never become friends with direct reports. It happens. When it does it can create a lot of strength as well. Businesses are networks of relationships before they’re collections of processes or anything else. The more everyone is able to trust each other, the more effective the organization. As you’re learning, though, too close a friendship creates its own challenges.

Last thought on the subject: If Fred is as good a friend as you say, he should have already approached you, letting you know he’s aware he isn’t performing as well as he should and telling you to pull no punches in your assessment. He hasn’t. I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that’s what he’d want you do do and just hasn’t thought to say so. Then tell him that’s what you plan to do – that you’re friends after work. During work hours, while you’re friendly, you’re professionals first.

– Bob