In a team but not part of it

Dear Bob ..

I don’t know what to do. It has come to my attention that my office mate has recorded and shared a private conversation I had with him on at least one occasion.

I’m not worried about what was said in the conversation as much as I am about the lack of trust that is a result of his actions. He is the senior member of our group and is extremely defensive so I know he would completely deny this took place and that I would have to “out” another person in the company were I to confront him.

Beyond this, though, are other concerns. My other teammates are quick to shut down proposed projects that might require extra work, even if I would be the person performing the extra work. After recently submitting a proposal to our manager, I was lambasted for not getting team approval, although the team was informed about what I was doing as there were lengthy e-mail discussions and a few short meetings before the submission. I have been told we need to function as a team and that I shouldn’t try to “shine” on my own. At the same time they are telling me to pipe down and run with the crowd, they are working on their own pet projects, of which I hear little to none about until after decisions are made.

I feel as if they are trying to control me rather than work with me. I’m not sure how to proceed. I’ve considered talking to my boss but I know he hates confrontation and is likely to say what he thinks I want to hear rather than take action to correct the situation.

Any help you can provide is greatly appreciated.

– Locked down

Dear Locked …

Let’s separate the two issues. The first is easy. If the content of the conversation doesn’t concern you, be happy. You just learned something important about the character of one of your co-workers without being damaged in the process. From this point forward, before you confide in any of your co-workers, ask yourself, “Why am I communicating this?” If you can’t connect the dots between what you’re about to say and benefit to yourself of some kind, don’t say it.

The second issue sounds more serious: You’re complaining about a double standard. Everyone else on the team behaves in a certain way. When you do the same, your boss “lambasts” you … but he hates confrontation.

I think what you’re really telling me is that your manager doesn’t like being confronted, and you’re looking for a way to fix the situation that doesn’t involve talking to him about it. If there’s a way to do this, I’m not aware of it.

I’d suggest you get the specifics down on paper – the pet projects each team member is working on (but that don’t require extra work?) that went forward without team consensus. Have the paper in hand when you meet with your manager. Tell him you have a strong sense of being held to a different standard than the rest of the team. Pull out the paper and go through the list. Hand him a copy if he asks for it. And say, “When I tried to take an idea forward you chewed me out. Help me understand the difference between what I tried to do and what you’re encouraging everyone else to do. To me, it looks like one rule for them and a different one for me. You’ve told me we need to function as a team. I’d like to … but if that’s what you want, I need you to treat me as a member of the team.”

Here’s what will be hard: When you have a difficult conversation like this you need to be calm, poised and professional. The subject matter and your personal issues mean your natural tendency will be to be angry, upset, and on edge. If you don’t think you can overcome that tendency, don’t have the conversation. You’ll be better off either living with the situation or looking for a different employer.

– Bob