Building relationship and negotiating skills

Dear Bob …

So this is the million-dollar question: 

How do people learn the skill set required for effective relationship management and contract negotiation?

Is it just time and experience in the workforce?  Are there ways to build these skills outside of work?  For example, could attending a public speaking organisation like Toastmasters help?  What about a university degree or certificate?

– Relating

Dear Relating …

Yes, that is the million dollar question, as in, in this day and age, being good at relationships is far more important than being good at doing useful work.

Probably, it was always thus, but it’s one of the many reason I break into hives when I hear people decrying the lack of “work ethic” in America’s workforce today. Of course there’s less work ethic – people who make a living by doing actual work are the ones whose earning power is declining.

But enough of that rant and rave – the question is how to build your abilities at relationships and negotiation.

For relationships, the best advice I have is to exercise your empathy (and if you don’t have any, fake it). At all times, in all interactions, and when planning for a future interaction or lack of one, ask yourself how you’d respond if you were on the other side of the interaction.

It’s old advice. It’s also difficult to remember to do, especially when your emotions are in play, because your emotions – especially negative ones like anger and jealousy – tend to focus you on yourself. So another piece of this puzzle is to keep your emotions under control.

If you want to be more deliberate about relationship management, take a page out of the book of all successful sales representatives and implement some sort of tickler or contact management system that reminds you of when it’s been too long since you last connected with someone who is important to you, and reminds you of what happened in your last interaction.

Negotiation is another challenge entirely. My ability to give great advice is limited, because my ability to negotiate just isn’t all that terrific. Here are a few thoughts on the subject that should prove useful:

* Remember that the other person isn’t necessarily looking for the same thing you’re looking for. Do your best to make sure of this by keeping at least two or three variables in play when negotiating, right up until the end. That way you’re always in a position to give as well as take.

* Don’t fall in love with the deal, and always be willing to walk away from it. When the other negotiator knows the hook has been set, you’re vulnerable to agreeing to disadvantageous terms.

* Know when you’re being played, and how. Even dopey games like “good cop/bad cop” are hard to recognize when you’re on the firing line. Plan for them and how you’ll respond if they happen.

* Know what you want, and be happy when you get it. If your goal in a negotiation is to get the sweetest deal possible you’ll always be disappointed, because you’ll never know for sure if there were a few more dollars on the table.

* Don’t be embarrassed to ask for what you want. If you don’t ask for it, you almost certainly won’t get it.

There are seminars you can take on the subject, and a good one is a worthwhile investment. If you decide to sign up for one, just for fun try to negotiate a discount for the registration fee.

– Bob