How to be more assertive

Dear Bob …

What books would you recommend on assertiveness?

– Trying to be more forceful

Dear Bibliophile …

Regrettably, I haven’t personally read any on the subject, so I’m not in a position to help … with the book request, that is.

I presume you’re asking because this has been a challenge for you, and since I’m in the advice business, what the heck – here are a few notions that might help you until you’re able to track down something book length:

The situations (that come to mind, at least) that require assertiveness are conflict situations. They generally take the form of someone else asking you, with varying degrees of forcefulness, to do something you’d rather not do, refusing to do something you’d like them to do, or some variation of one or the other.

For most people, their assertiveness problem is that they don’t stand up for themselves. There is a minority whose problem is that they do stand up for themselves – too much, and not skillfully. Both, I think, have the same root cause – a failure to balance personal needs with the needs of others, and to re-frame conflicts in those terms.

To be skillfully assertive, you first need to be comfortable with a syllogism many of us have been taught is of dubious morality. The major premise is that what I need is just as important as what anyone else needs. The minor premise is that I’m the only person I can count on to look out for my needs. The conclusion is that my first responsibility in any conflict is to look out for myself.

Once you recognize this, you’ll recognize that assertiveness is simply another name for effective negotiation. So no matter what the conflict entails, your starting point is to recognize what you want from it and to recognize that it’s perfectly okay for you to want it. Your next step is to recognize that the other person is in the exact same position, or should be.

Now you’re ready to assert yourself. Say, “I think I understand what you want me to do – you want me to do x. That doesn’t work for me – here’s why. Let’s figure out a solution so we can both get what we need most.”

It doesn’t always work, of course. Your boss might require you to work a weekend when you’re rather not, and make it a condition of continued employment. (“You’re the boss, and you do have the authority to require this of me. See you Saturday.”)

You might be facing a narcissistic screamer, who still looks at the world from the perspective of a kindergarten sandbox bully. (Say, calmly, “You can yell all you want. When you’re ready to have a businesslike conversation, let me know and we can pick this up where we left off. Bye.”)

Usually, though, the other party will be pleased at your ability to turn a potential conflict or source of resentment into a productive conversation.

I still can’t recommend any specific titles. I can, however, recommend that you stop looking for books on assertiveness and start looking at books that teach effective negotiating techniques.

You’ll find them far more useful.

– Bob