All charged up over Comcast’s quadruple play

Today’s announcement of CHARGES, Comcast’s new home energy management system that will be combined with its TV, phone, and Internet services in a new “Quadruple Play” offering, has generated a lot of excitement. To help customers get charged up about this new service, following is a transcript from a Q&A session at Comcast’s press conference.

Q: What is the CHARGES program all about?

Comcast: We see CHARGES (Comcast Harvesting Additional Revenues Generating Electricity Surcharges) as a terrific opportunity to tap the potential of our cable set-top boxes to enhance our quality of life. Oh, and maybe yours, too.

Q: How will it work?

Comcast: Comcast will manage home energy the same great way our customers have come to know from our other offerings. Basically, all your lights and appliances will be wired through the set-top box. When you want to turn a device on or off, you go to the console and indicate it on the list. Then you walk to the device itself and throw the switch as desired.

Q: Can’t you turn the lights on or off from the console?

Comcast: That’s an enhancement we plan for the future. Apparently we’re actually going to have to hire some software engineers first.

Q: What kind of pricing system will you use?

Comcast: As with our other services, you’ll choose from a number of tiers based on the features you want. If you just want to be able to turn on the lights, you can get the basic service. If you want to use the refrigerator or the washer, you’ll need to pay a bit more for our premium service plan. Heating and air conditioning will be available for those who select our deluxe plan.

Q: Why would anyone pay Comcast to turn on something they can already turn on for free?

Comcast: We’re not sure, but it’s working that way with TV channels, so we thought we’d try it here.

Q: How will CHARGES be integrated with your current Triple Play services?

Comcast: I’m glad you asked, because that’s where we see the greatest potential benefit. For example, in the past when a customer exceeded the unstated limits of our unlimited broadband service, all we could do is cut off their Internet access. Now those who hog their neighbors’ bandwidth suddenly won’t have any power at all. Or, say we catch you using Skype or some other VOIP instead of our own, we’ll turn off your microwave in the middle of cooking dinner.

Q: Is there any connection between this announcement and Comcast’s agreement to stop interfering with BitTorrent usage?

Comcast: Certainly not. Comcast is not in the business of policing what our customers do in their own homes. Whatever it is, we’ll sell it to you — all you gotta do is pay.

Q: One thing that’s not entirely clear is how CHARGES will relate to the customer’s power company.

Comcast: All we can say about that right now is that the power grid is the one area where Comcast very much believes in net neutrality. We’ll work with any power provider, as long as they’re willing to give us a cut.

Q: Is there any concern that Comcast’s use of its cable franchise monopolies in this way could have anti-trust implications?

Comcast: Hey, what’s with the tough questions? That’s it — we paid you stooges good money to follow the script, so we’re done here.

Note: This article contains forward-looking statements and even total fiction, as it is an April Fool’s joke for Ed Foster’s GripeLog. Any resemblance between the above descriptions and past, current, or future Comcast Quadruple Play offerings is probably to be expected.

Post your comments about this column below or write me at Foster@gripe2ed.com.