Steve Jobs’ shocking secret

As die-hard Apple aficionados well know, today marks a special day in that magical land known as Cupertino. The Little Company That Could is planning yet another big hush-hush announcement this afternoon. Smart money is that the company will reveal a new line of slimmer, trimmer iMacs with 3D displays and an upgraded suite of iLife apps.

But Jobs has not chosen this date lightly. Ten years ago today he made his public comeback as “interim” Apple CEO, embarking on a quest to lead the lost Mac tribes through the desert and into the promised land.

This afternoon, after the iMacs have rolled off stage, Steve Jobs will pause as he always does, cock his head in that boyish way, and say “oh, and one more thing.” Then he’ll reveal the true shocker: He plans to step down as Apple chief, effectively immediately. Though Jobs will remain on Apple’s board, he will be handing over day-to-day operations to the Fake Steve Jobs, aka Daniel Lyons, senior editor at Forbes. 

“He does me better than I do me,” Jobs will note.

California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will immediately declare a month of mourning. Sackcloth and ashes will be distributed to the Mac faithful, and Apple will issue a special black iPod to commemorate the passing of Jobs. 

The normally loquacious chief will decline to explain his sudden departure, citing personal reasons. But I have the real, inside dirt. Careful observers may have noticed something different underneath that black turtleneck over the past year, something …budding. After months of secret hormone treatments, Jobs can no longer hide the obvious. He has decided to begin life all over again as a woman.

Steve Jobs is now Eve Jobs.

The news will send shock waves throughout the valley. Shortly there after, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer will reveal that he, too, is a woman trapped inside a man’s body — specifically, a stripper named Chesty LeBall. Larry Ellison will brag that he has been a woman since the early 1980s, and will marry for the fifth time, joining with longtime partner Scott McNealy in a civil ceremony. And in a straight cash transaction, Google will acquire worldwide rights to sex change technology and make it freely available to everyone.

Do you think that maybe, just maybe, the hype surrounding Apple’s announcements has gotten a tad thick? Post your thoughts below or email me here. Top tipsters will be eligible for just one more bit of useless swag.