Damage control, the Microsoft way

Stop me if you’ve heard this one: Microsoft has been secretly updating your computer, even when you tell it not to. This story first arose a couple of weeks ago, following a report by Scott Dunn in Windows Secrets. It seems Windows Update will update itself automatically, without warning and regardless of whether you’ve told the app to wait for you to download updates and/or install them. (As someone who’s lost work more than once because Microsoft decided it absolutely had to reboot my computer at 3 am, I prefer to have my finger on the trigger.)

Microsoft’s argument for the stealth upgrade is a textbook example of pretzel logic. If Windows Update didn’t automatically update itself, then the app might break and you might never be able to receive any future updates. Of course, if Update was broken it couldn’t update itself. And if it weren’t broken, there’d be no reason not to tell users. Even that lame reasoning doesn’t explain why information about the update is virtually impossible to find – not on screen and not in the Microsoft Knowledgebase.

(Pure speculation: I suspect there’s more to this story than Microsoft is telling. Perhaps they are finally addressing vulnerabilities in Update that allow it to be hijacked by malware, and they wanted to keep this a secret from the bad guys for as long as they could. Or maybe they’re just being d**ks.)

There’s a distinct aroma of dead mackerel to the whole story. But Microsoft’s reaction to the controversy was classic. A blog post by program manager Nate Clinton features both a non-explanation and a non-apology, including the following graph:

The point of this explanation is not to suggest that we were as transparent as we could have been; to the contrary, people have told us that we should have been clearer on how Windows Update behaves when it updates itself. This is helpful and important feedback, and we are now looking at the best way to clarify WU’s behavior to customers so that they can more clearly understand how WU works.

Translation: We didn’t do anything wrong, we just didn’t dumb this down enough so you pathetic whiners would understand it. We might be willing to do things differently next time, but we’ll have to think about it. Now stop bothering us, we have more important things to do.

What this suggests is that for all its recent gesticulating about becoming more transparent and accountable, Microsoft is still Microsoft. Having attended a few Redmond Reprogramming Sessions (they call them “editor’s days”), I can attest that this kind of reaction is beaten into Microsoft employees at a tender age, possibly via brain implants.

I’ve boiled the Microsoft Method down to seven simple rules.

1. Respond at great length using as many acronyms as possible to avoid having to answer any direct questions.

2. Never answer any direct questions.

3. When someone criticizes the company (for, say, hijacking their machine without permission) thank the critic for his feed back without actually acknowledging what he’s criticizing you for.

4. Patiently explain, for the 99th time, that Microsoft knows what’s best for you, even if you don’t.

5. Identify the hostiles in the audience and assign two people – usually a product manager and a PR drone — to ‘help’ them. This may involve close personal and Internet surveillance until the reporter stops writing negative things about the company (or dies mysteriously).

6. When a reporter asks you a question you’ve deemed so stupid it could only have been posed by a single-celled organism, answer it in highly technical terms and with thinnest veneer of civility – like stretching a Saran Wrap of politeness over an ocean of contempt. (Note: This rule applies only to Ballmer.)

7. When all else fails, bury them in Powerpoint slides until they beg for mercy.

Did I miss anything? Post your Microsoft rules below or email them to me here. Groovy new swag awaits the lucky few who get quoted in my blog.