You may have already lost!

One of Cringeville’s favorite mustachioed villains, the Recording Industry Association of America, has developed yet another dastardly plan. The RIAA has set up a web site and a hotline offering alleged file swappers a special discount on lawsuit settlements if they give up without a fight. (“For a limited time only, $1000 off each extortion attempt — operators are standing by!”)

Of course, large numbers of the RIAA’s 18,000+ suits have been filed against John Does, because all the record companies really have is a list of files it found on someone’s hard drive and an IP address. So it has spent the the last three years strong-arming ISPs and college administrators into revealing who’s using those addresses (assuming the IPs are static and not dynamic). The University of Nebraska recently told them to stick that request where the sun don’t shine. (Cornhuskers 1, Korn hustlers 0).

Even with an IP address and a name, there’s no real way to determine whose fingers were on the keyboard when “Rock Yo Hips” got downloaded. So, like any playground bully, the RIAA preys on the weak — college students, grandmothers, 12 year olds, corpses — people who are more likely to roll over and pay up than to fight back. (Or if they’re dead, just roll over.) A number of those sued are now fighting back; in some cases the RIAA has dropped the charges rather than risk a public defeat.

I’ve figured out the RIAA’s real goal. It’s tired of being only #2 on the Dilbert Awards list of “weaseliest organizations.” . They want to be Number One. They’ve certainly earned my vote.