When Critical Updates kill

As the flame wars over last week’s post about Windows and Linux continue to rage, I thought I’d toss more gasoline onto the blaze. This one is about Microsoft’s incredibly flawed update process (which was invented, of course, to fix Microsoft’s incredibly flawed software).

After frequent Cringe contributor D.S. installed Automatic Update KB934238, he discovered that his computer was phoning home to some IP address on the Verizon Business Network.

The reason why his computer felt the need to reach out and touch some Web server remains shrouded in mystery. But what’s clear is that D.S. got off easy. Other Windows sufferers who installed the same update report that it killed their HP printer drivers. A few truly unfortunate victims on the Microsoft forums say it killed their computers outright:

Please help. I just installed KB934268 and KB934238, and after it was finished chose to restart my computer, but it won’t boot up. It won’t even recognize my monitor so I can’t see anything.

What was this “critical update,” exactly? The Microsoft Knowledge Base describes it thusly:

On non-English versions of Windows Server 2003 and Windows XP, some text in the print dialog box unexpectedly appears in English after you install the .NET Framework 3.0.

Ay Carumba! Another global disaster narrowly averted. The entire non-English speaking world must be incontinent with gratitude.

Memo to Microsoft: This is not a critical update. It’s barely qualifies as an optional one. And yet users must jump through hoops to keep Update from automatically installing it. Yet another reason why Microsoft deserves all the bashing it gets, in this space and elsewhere.

FYI, If your computer has been hosed by this or any other security update, you can contact Microsoft tech support without having to pony up for the call: 1-866-PCSAFETY (727-2338). Tell ’em Cringe sent ya.

Has Windows Update hosed you or helped you? Post your opinions below or email them to me here. (Warning: asbestos boxers are recommended.)