Every generation gets the CEOs it deserves. In our case, that means the milquetoast likes of Zuckerberg, Schmidt, and others Why are technology CEOs so backbone-challenged these days? The only noteworthy actions taken by tech CEOs in recent months masquerade as brave, but they’re really just crazy, like Uber CEO Travis Kalanick making fun of his own customers or Sean Parker comparing his critics to Nazis. More mainstream CEOs trying to project a consistent leadership façade seem to have adopted the cult of weak sauce — a far cry from yesteryear’s leaders, like Peter Freuchen, an arctic explorer who was recently honored by the New York Explorer’s Club for such actions as digging his way out of an avalanche by making a chisel out of his frozen feces. Compare that to today’s business world, where the richest robber barons in the history of Cossack capitalism sound about as exciting as a Swedish sofa. This is why journalists drink. For example, everyone’s favorite man-child CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, took the stage at Mobile World in Barcelona on Monday to drop the awesome and completely novel truth bomb: The NSA has gone too far. Really? I had absolutely no idea our intelligence community was being overly invasive and Facebook was supposedly having difficulties with it. In reality, it’s more likely the preeminent social network has logged a billion miles in the NSA’s hand-over-your-customer-data frequent flyer program. As a legal condom, I have to state that I invented the preceding rumor, but it’s made plausible by recent revelations that Facebook wants to keep data mining you after you’re dead and further analyze your brainwaves by tracking the moves your mouse cursor makes on the screen rather than solely what you click on. In the very near future, it’s probably a good idea to go over your privacy settings before you keel over and not leave your cursor hovering over a Cialis or hair restoration ad while you get coffee. Netflix is now neutered On a slightly more recent topic than a way-behind-the-news Zuckerberg quote, Netflix CEO Wilmot Reed Hastings, Jr. is knuckling under to the Web-raiding Comcast regime. This guy left skid marks in his eagerness to cave in to greedy Internet providers that are trying to take advantage of the recently castrated Net neutrality laws. Netflix spins this as an investment in customer satisfaction, which sounds better than saying it’ll be paying gobs extra for pipe space to which it should have equal rights in the first place. I guess it’s expecting us to forget about the company’s “strong” stance against Net neutrality neutering from only a few weeks ago, though Internet providers swore up and down they wouldn’t take advantage. It seems like Netflix is hopping on that train before it’s even left the station. The Eric Schmidt scale: $19B for WhatsApp, $1M for the world Then there’s Google’s CEO, Eric Schmidt. Not content with the Solomon-esque compensation package he’s getting from Larry and Sergey, Schmidt has written a real page-turner called “The Digital Age.” To promote it, he announced he’ll be giving away the marginal sum of $1 million for “groups using technology to solve world problems.” So Google was willing to plunk down more than $19 billion for WhatsApp, but only $1 million for solving world problems? Yeah, I know it’s supposed to be coming from Schmidt, but what are the odds that money is not originating from his T&E slush fund? Regardless, it’s still disgraceful. That’s like me tossing a buck at vagrant doctors researching a cure for cancer in an abandoned Arby’s on my way to a Starbucks where I’ll spend $4 on a cup of coffee that I could have brewed myself for 50 cents. As far as his vaguely titled and impossibly broad book topic goes, normally I’d laugh at anyone trying to write anything that covered so much territory. Then again, Google owns most of it anyway and is trying to suck up the rest like a giant Dyson. I suppose his ghostwriter is in a good position. Nadella’s assimilation is proceeding as planned Last, there’s Satya Nadella, who seems to be working overtime to become the grand wizard of feeble statements. He’s either going to be great for me in coming years or devolve into a completely useless PR golem with quotes like this one: In the post-Snowden world, you need to enable others to build their own cloud and have mobility of applications. That’s both because of the physicality of computing — where the speed of light still matters — and because of geopolitics. You can spend hours trying to dissect such quotes, slowly losing mind and hair, before you realize he didn’t actually say anything. That’s a random string of buzzwords probably generated by an app that will crash on the next Windows 8.1 update, after which I suspect you won’t be hearing much from Nadella until it’s fixed. I’m now positive he’s a CGI ghost controlled by a secret Microsoft AI for press events and keynote speeches, with quotes coming after every Patch Tuesday. Steve Jobs’ stamp of approval The only strong achievement made by a technology CEO in recent days comes from Steve Jobs, and he’s dead. In his competitive race with Bill Gates, he’s had the last laugh from beyond the grave by managing to become the first technology CEO to get himself on a U.S. postage stamp, which would be really great for him if people still used those. Still, I bet Gates is eating his heart out now because he didn’t think to die first. Some folks are complaining that a business leader who exploited Chinese workers and left his family in the lurch shouldn’t receive an honor like this, but seriously, what CEO hasn’t trampled over a few folks on his way to the top? That’s small potatoes compared to the contributions he made to the science of American business, teaching future generations of revenue-ravenous corporate reamers how to terrorize information workers to greater levels of productivity or showing off how companies can develop communities of rabidly fanatical, virgin-sacrificing fanboys with nothing but product branding. I know we folk in the fourth estate love hammering on CEOs who forget about political correctness, but this is pitiful. C’mon guys, give us some hint of how you really feel. You’re ruining the glorious tradition of American capitalists as corporate kings who don’t give a crap-chisel for public opinion. After all, you’re too rich to prosecute and too isolated to care. Reach back and feel around until you find your spine and straighten up. This post is dedicated to an idol and icon, Harold Ramis. Technology Industry