CES 2013: Hey Qualcomm, you forgot the tech

What do Steve Ballmer, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, and Big Bird have in common? No, they’re not the first people Mitt Romney would have fired on day one of his presidency or this season’s contenders on “The X Factor.”

The answer: They were all part of this year’s CES pre-show keynote address, which was by most accounts the most bizarre media event since Bing Crosby and David Bowie teamed up to sing “The Little Drummer Boy” on national TV. If you have 90 minutes to spare, you can watch a recording of Qualcomm’s big production number.

[ Get paid for your IT war stories. Send your tale to offtherecord@infoworld.com, and if we publish it you’ll receive a $50 American Express gift cheque. | For a humorous take on the tech industry’s shenanigans, subscribe to Robert X. Cringely’s Notes from the Underground newsletter. | Get the latest insight on the tech news that matters from InfoWorld’s Tech Watch blog. ]

Hosted by Qualcomm CEO Paul Jacobs, this keynote was the first one in 12 years to not star the then-CEO of Microsoft — or so we thought. Then about 15 minutes into Jacobs’ presentation, none other than Steve Ballmer bounded onto the stage to talk up Windows 8 phones and tablets with his customary aggressive enthusiasm and frightening tongue movements.

But the weirdness was only just beginning. The Verge did a nice job of capturing the most bizarre moments, along with the reactions of horrified onlookers in the tech blogosphere. Also included: a highlight reel at the end, if you want to skip over the tech stuff and watch the most cringe-worthy moments.

The madness started with three 20-something actors who came out to represent the three symbols of “Gen M: The Born Mobile Generation”: the cute-but-vapid teenage girl, the socially dysfunctional gamer, and the obnoxious entrepreneur hipster. Here’s a snippet of dialog from the last fellow:

Us entrepreneurs in the real world, we’re superheroes in our own ways, right? Boom! My phone is my conference room. It’s my guide. It helps me to move mountains. It’s my vacation planner — heads up! And it’s on my own personal playlist. But most importantly, we’re partners. Together we’re coming up with the next billion-dollar idea. Check this out: Imagine funny cat videos meets Gangnam style. Boom! Right?

Apparently, being a member of Gen M means you’re either a ditz, a dork, or a douchebag. Boom!

If there is a deity in heaven, those three actors will never work again and whoever wrote their script will be kept at least 500 yards from a keyboard for the rest of his or her life. As The Verge’s Dieter Bohn put it, ” We assumed that it was parody from the start — but with a growing sense of both horror and awe, we came to realize it wasn’t.” Or this tweet from one attendee:

After Ballmer’s mini-keynote within a keynote, Jacobs brought out director Guillermo del Toro to show how Qualcomm’s Snapdragon chips can be used to render high-definition video. Del Toro proceeded to to show a remastered Ultra HD clip from “Blade 2” that was stunningly brutal, violent, and gory — but sadly did not feature the evisceration of the gamer or the entrepreneur.

“I guess no one will be going to the prime rib buffet after watching that one,” del Toro quipped. Boom!

Could it get weirder? Yes, it could. After a presentation from Nascar, Jacobs trotted out Big Bird and a game designer named Dave wearing a “birdketeer” costume, complete with feathers. I felt really bad for Dave — yet another promising career swirling down the tubes. Who else could follow an eight-foot bird but Archbishop Tutu? The Nobel Peace Prize winner appeared via a pre-recorded video clip, talking about the benefits of “m-health.”

At least they didn’t make him wear a birdketeer outfit.

Next up, a clip from the upcoming “Star Trek” movie, “Into Darkness” (yes, I’ve already purchased my tickets). The Trekkers are using Qualcomm’s Gimbal “context awareness platform” for its mobile app. Jacobs followed that with an awkward onstage conversation with actress Alice Eve, who’s featured in the film. (Did I mention I already have my tickets?)

The keynote mercifully ended after about 80 minutes with a performance by pop band Maroon 5 — minus two members, so it was technically more like Maroon 3. But because CES apparently didn’t have the rights to broadcast the band’s music, people watching the livestream of the event on the Web got a soundtrack from Dido instead.

It was a perfect ending to a perfectly surreal night.

OK, I get it. The late Steve Jobs set a high bar for dog-and-pony shows. Everyone feels like they have to amp up their presentations with vampires, eight-foot-tall birds, and hot actresses. Maybe it has something do with being in Vegas, the combination of oxygen and sleep deprivation, neon leaking into the water supply, and proximity to Area 51.

But the truth is that you don’t need to hit these extremes. CES is a technology show, after all. The people who go there, as well as those who follow it from a distance, are more than comfortable with that fact.

Jacobs’ keynote was highly entertaining, but not in the way Qualcomm probably intended. Today’s technology is amazing and allows you to do pretty awesome things. Sexing it up and dumbing it down is just insulting to our intelligence. If nothing else, that bizarre performance shows how poorly Qualcomm understands the people who use its products.

Is technology now sexy enough to stand on its own without all the cheesy Vegas glitz? Let me know what you think below, or email me: cringe@infoworld.com.

This article, “CES 2013: Hey Qualcomm, you forgot the tech,” was originally published at InfoWorld.com. Follow the crazy twists and turns of the tech industry with Robert X. Cringely’s Notes from the Field blog, and subscribe to Cringely’s Notes from the Underground newsletter.