Top 10 fears for Halloween

It’s that special day of the year when the dead walk the earth. No, I don’t mean a Microsoft Developers Conference, I’m talking about Halloween. In honor of my favorite holiday on the calendar, here are 10 things any sane person ought to be afraid of.

1. Zombies. Not the flesh-eating kind that stagger across the screen on “The Walking Dead.” Botnets like the “indestructible” TDL4, which has created a network of more than 4 million zombie machines, are wreaking havoc across the InterWebs. Now zombie “socialbot” networks may soon be attacking Facebook. Talk about your brain drain.

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2. Bill Gates. Anyone catch Bill in a suit and tie on CNN, looking statesman-like as he waxed philosophically about how he didn’t care that Steve Jobs dissed him and claimed to have co-created the Mac? A grassroots “return Gates to Microsoft” movement sprang up last year, though Sir Bill dismissed such thoughts in an interview last June. Still, never say never. Like a vampire, Gates could rise again.

3. Goats. Republican candidate Jon Huntsman found this out the hard way, when he was bitten by a goat on a campaign stop in New Hampshire. Both the candidate and the animal survived. Good thing it didn’t bite Herman Cain or PETA might have had to get involved.

4. Angry birds. According to Google trend analysis, the pissed-off avians will be among the most popular Halloween costumes this year. Also in the running for top costume is another kind of angry bird: the black swan costume from Darren Aronofsky’s ballet film of the same name. For your own safety, please do not dress up as an egg-stealing pig or Mila Kunis.

5. Angry nerds. Becoming a target of Anonymous certainly ranks as one of the scarier fates that could befall you. What’s worse: Being forced to share house arrest with Julian Assange.

6. Oracle in court. The Oracle-Google trial over Java patents that was supposed to start today has been mercifully postponed. Even a federal judge thought the idea of Larry Ellison on the stand was too scary for Halloween.

7. Knife-wielding Googlers. Today’s Google Doodle features Google employees using six-inch knives to carve 1,000-pound pumpkins. Hey, it wouldn’t take much to send them over the edge — look what they just did to Buzz.

8. Patent attorneys. That new smartphone you just bought? They own it or soon will. If you buy an Android phone, you’ll be paying Microsoft, Oracle, or Apple — assuming you can purchase one at all.

9. That 9-9-9 tax plan. Turn Cain’s flat-tax scheme upside down and what do you end up with? Yes, that’s right — the mark of the beast. No wonder he’s so afraid of witch hunts.

10. Marrying a Kardashian. Can you imagine anything scarier? I can’t. Fortunately, the ordeal is usually over pretty quickly.

What scares you this All Hallow’s Eve? Post your ghoulish thoughts below or email me: cringe@infoworld.com.

This article, “Top 10 fears for Halloween,” was originally published at InfoWorld.com. Follow the crazy twists and turns of the tech industry with Robert X. Cringely’s Notes from the Field blog, and subscribe to Cringely’s Notes from the Underground newsletter.