Say what? Three unfortunate users in need of a tech translator

Never assume the user understands exactly what you mean — when it comes to tech support and troubleshooting, it’ll serve you well to keep in mind this fundamental rule.

My colleagues and I sometimes came to this realization the long way during our time at a systems integration company, where these three amusing tales from way back actually happened. To this day, they remind me of important points about working with users, especially over the phone: Slow down, be painstaking in detail, and remain patient at all times.

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Consider that disk clean

One of the support techs was talking to an end-user over the phone, helping them copy files from a computer to a floppy disk. The task began smoothly enough.

The tech asked the person to put a blank floppy disk into the drive. The user said, “There’s a blank disk right here — it doesn’t have a label.” The tech said that even though it wasn’t labeled there might be files on it, and they’d need to check the available disk space first.

The user kept saying it was blank and ignored the tech’s directions to check what was on the floppy disk. Instead, the user tried to copy the files but got a message that there was not sufficient room on the disk. The copy, of course, failed.

The tech tried to explain it another way, saying they needed to get a “clean” disk with nothing on it.

The user put the support tech on hold for a length of time, then returned, saying, “OK, I did that and tried the copy command again.”

“What’s happening now?” asked the tech.

“There’re drops of water spraying out of the floppy drive,” said the user. As the tech struggled for a response, the customer continued, “I went to the sink and cleaned the disk just like you said.”

Spell it out

A technician from our support department came to me saying a frustrated customer was on the phone. Nobody could understand what the user was talking about, but they were sufficiently upset to want a refund on the new computer.

I got on the call and listened as the customer insisted we had sold them a lemon. Apparently, the new computer had worked just fine when they brought it home, but after the kids played a game on it, the computer didn’t work at all, a mere day later.

Stepping through the boot process with the customer, I confirmed that the computer was unable to locate its drives. I thought perhaps an exchange was in order but wanted to make sure we hadn’t missed anything.

“What was the game your kids were playing on it?” I asked. “I don’t know,” the customer replied. “It was some game your company put on it — something called ‘Shmoss.'”

I thought about it, and a bell went off in my head. I said, “I’ve never heard of that. Can you spell ‘Shmoss’ for me?”

The customer said, “C-M-O-S, from some company called ‘Buy Us.’ Spelled B-I-O-S.”

It would be easier without all these disks

I received a call from a frustrated customer insisting that the manual to a new database program they’d recently purchased was incorrect.

The customer was trying to install the program and claimed to have followed the steps in the manual to the letter, but it still wasn’t working. The customer said they needed a new manual — the right manual.

I got the customer to calm down enough to walk through the steps with me. I opened my copy of the manual and made sure the customer was on the same page. This was back in the day with floppy disks, so I asked if they had all the disks there and ready to use as needed. The customer did.

It seemed like we were set up for success. Together, we read the first step: “Put in Disk #1 and type blah-blah-blah, then press Enter.” This went fine, so we continued. Then we reached this step: “Put in Disk #2 and type blah-blah-blah, then press Enter.”

At this point, the customer grew frustrated again, saying it wasn’t working. I asked for a description of what was happening.

The customer said, “OK, I put in the second disk and did what it says, and here’s where the trouble starts. Let’s overlook the fact that I don’t see the computer doing what the manual tells me it should be doing after hitting Enter. But then the manual says the next thing to do is put in a third disk. There is no way in hell a person could possibly get yet another floppy disk stuffed into that little slot! The manual is wrong!”

As in these three problems, it’s amazing how quickly troubleshooting can go once little misunderstandings are cleared up.

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