Google Glass: Only real men need apply

Sergey Brin said it, so it must be true: Smartphones are emasculating.

Speaking at a TED conference earlier this week to show off the latest version of Google Glass, the Google co-founder opined thusly:

“You’re actually socially isolating yourself with your phone,” Brin told the audience. “I feel like it’s kind of emasculating…. You’re standing there just rubbing this featureless piece of glass….

“I whip this out and focus on it as though I have something very important to attend to,” Brin added later, holding up his phone. “This [Google Glass] really takes away that excuse.”

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And it’s true: Girly men use smartphones. Manly men wear Google-approved goggles that make them look like Poindexter McNerdypants on his way to the AV Club dance.

But it got me to thinking about how emasculating much of our other technology is. Take tablets, for example. You call an iPad a computer? That’s not a computer. It’s an Etch-a-Sketch with an ego.

What do you do with a tablet? You tap, swipe, and pinch. Did you ever see John Wayne tapping, swiping, or pinching? No, you did not. Real men rustle, wrangle, and punch.

Real tech for real men

In fact, a true manly man — or manly woman — uses a liquid-nitrogen-cooled 16TB sextuple-core beast that requires 15 minutes’ notice to the utility company before he turns it on. When he’s traveling (on horseback or, more likely, barefoot over the badlands of South Dakota), he carries a 15-pound ruggedized laptop with broken glass Krazy Glued to the keyboard.

You know what else is emasculating? Social networks. What do you do on Facebook, Twitter, and Linkedin? You ‘friend’ people. You like the things they post. You follow them, hoping they’ll follow you back. You ask them to please pretty please link to your profile and — just maybe — endorse your pathetic set of unmanly skills. In short, you act like a complete and utter wuss.

Real he-men and she-men don’t ask other people to be their friends. They acquire targets, then conquer them. They force lesser beings into servitude. And when that person has outlived his or her usefulness, they “defriend” them by reaching into their rib cages with their bare hands, ripping out their still beating hearts, and devouring them.

Working from home is for wimps

Also emasculating: Working from home. Admit it, you know the only reason people work from home is so they can wear a dress all day and/or go full commando. No wonder FedEx refuses to come to the door any more.

Telecommuting is for wimps. You know what’s not for wimps? Spending two hours each day crawling through rush-hour traffic or packed like sardines in a commuter train with a bunch of strangers who smell like offal. What else puts hair on your chest: Drinking day-old coffee that tastes like battery acid, eating junk food out of a hallway vending machine, and arguing about the size and location of your cubicle. Real he-men and she-men are happy to waste endless hours in meetings where only one person ever talks and everyone else stares out into middle space with eyes like dead fish.

That’s manly. No wonder Marissa Mayer is such a fan.

Emasculating: Using a store-bought operating system like Windows or Mac OS.

Manly: Coding your own OS from scratch using your own fork of Yellow Dog Linux. Then documenting every single g-ddamned line. In Sanskrit.

I could go on, but you get the point. It’s not enough to be using the best technology or the smartest, fastest, cheapest devices. You must also choose the tech that makes you look most like a testosterone-fueled knuckle-dragging brute.

You know, like Sergey.

What technology makes you feel fresh and feminine? Share your secrets below or email me: cringe@infoworld.com.

This article, “Google Glass: Only real men need apply,” was originally published at InfoWorld.com. Follow the crazy twists and turns of the tech industry with Robert X. Cringely’s Notes from the Field blog, and subscribe to Cringely’s Notes from the Underground newsletter.