Straight from Tim Cook’s brain, it’s tomorrow’s Apple headlines today

Another day, another 3,247 Apple rumors, some of which may actually be true — here’s a quick roundup of this week’s Cup of Cupertino.

Hosannas on high

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that the next iPhone has entered production in Asia. The news has caused the Apple faithful to weep, rend their clothing, run naked through the streets of Cupertino, and bake tortillas with images of the late Steve Jobs burnt into them.

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Over at Branch, the world’s biggest Apple fanboys have their boxers in a bunch over biometrics — specifically, rumors about upcoming features like a fingerprint scanner for the iPhone 5S (or whatever it ends up being called). Then there are the usual whispers about cheaper Nano-like phones available in multiple flavors: Goofy Grape, Choo Choo Cherry, Lefty Lemon, and so on.

Next week or so, I’m sure Digitimes or Boy Genius Report will be publishing photos of the newest iPhone, captured directly from scanners pointing at Apple CEO Tim Cook’s brain.

Also: iOS 7 is probably going to be late. Somebody alert the media. Oh wait, sorry, we are the media. I keep forgetting.

A sorry state of affairs

In his 19-month tenure as CEO, Cook has already issued approximately 1,000 times more sincere apologies than his predecessor ever did. (OK, you got me numbers nerds — 1,000 times zero is still zero.) The latest one was issued this week: a humble apologia to Chinese consumers for stiffing them on warranties. It seems Apple’s standard one-year warranty is only half the period required by Chinese law. This followed an investigative report by China’s biggest TV network and editorials in the People’s Daily, one of which was “Defeat Apple’s Incomparable Arrogance.”

Looks like the Chinese understand Apple as least as well as we do.

Show me the bunny

This one might actually be true, or it might just be a time-shifted April Fools’ joke: According to multiple sources, Playboy has finally released a non-nude version of the magazine for the iPad. Heck, why not? Teenagers with smartphones now reveal more than any artfully airbrushed centerfold. At least the articles are still pretty good (yes, I actually read them).

Also: 86-year-old Hugh Hefner has announced plans to set a Guinness world record by legally marrying a woman one-sixth his age. Actually that is a time-shifted April Fools joke — but one day it might not be.

Who’s watch-watching the iWatch watchers?

Further off the grid, scuttlebutt is circulating that the upcoming iWatch — artfully leaked by Apple to select news outlets in February — may actually be a body/health monitor rather than just another gizmo that displays your texts and emails on your wrist.

What’s funny is that the guy telling me this was wearing a Nike+ Fuel band, while I was wearing one of those Body Media armbands that counts my calorie burn. We geeked out together briefly about all the data these things collect about our everyday activities.

What I love about the Body Media device is that it records every one of my 16-ounce elbow curls. Also, climbing back up onto the bar stool after falling off counts as aerobic exercise. If an iWatch can do that, I’m all in.

What Apple rumors have you heard lately? Post your favorite hearsay below or email me: cringe@infoworld.com.

This article, “Straight from Tim Cook’s brain, it’s tomorrow’s Apple headlines today,” was originally published atInfoWorld.com. Follow the crazy twists and turns of the tech industry with Robert X. Cringely’s Notes from the Field blog, and subscribe to Cringely’s Notes from the Underground newsletter.