Wanted: Brilliant technology slave

Is it just me, or are the postings for IT jobs utterly ridiculous these days? Lately I’ve seen some postings that appear to be jobs for two or three positions collected into one hire. Reading through some of them, I have to wonder if the person they’re looking for exists. If they do, they surely aren’t seeking work because they must be a wizard and/or god.

[ Also on InfoWorld.com: Read Paul Venezia’s instant classic, “Nine traits of the veteran Unix admin.” | Then, if you dare, join the debate about rebooting Unix-based systems. ]

This is a slightly embellished example — and I do mean slightly, because it’s based on a few postings I’ve seen recently.

WANTED TO HIRE – System Administrator

Fergenschmeir Systems is an advanced technology company specializing in advanced technology. We are a growing and fast-paced group that has just completed our first round of financing and is looking for driven, focused, and talented people to enable us to achieve our shared vision.

Opportunity:

The role of System Administrator is the key to enabling our team to work smarter and simpler. This person must be able to maintain a positive outlook, work one-on-one with other team members and stakeholders in developing solutions to problems, and take ownership of their roles and responsibilities. This fast-paced position requires knowledge of key technologies and computing foundations and will involve interactions with the rest of the company, in addition to customer-facing tasks. This person must be able to communicate extremely well and present positive, take-charge attitudes at all levels of engagement. Hobbies and families are frowned upon.

Responsibilities:

• Provide technical problem resolution at all levels of Fergenschmeir’s infrastructure
• Assist with customer infrastructure integration, problem resolution
• Present highly technical information clearly to other team members and customers
• Provide a wealth of deep technical information on all technical subject matters
• Assist sales in the construction of proposals
• Provide presales technical assistance to sales during customer interactions
• Build and maintain new technologies internal to Fergenschmeir’s operation
• Work closely with engineers on developing new, revolutionary technology products
• Attend trade shows to present technical resources to event participants
• Know all competing products and technologies, and remain current with their progress
• Provide on-call services for a far-flung, international stakeholders and customers
• Care and maintenance of the break room and refrigerator contents

Requirements:

• Cisco CCIE certification (multiple CCIE certifications preferred)
• Current RHCE, MCSE, VCP, and VCDX certifications
• Complete knowledge and understanding of SNA, IPX, and token-ring networking
• Full working knowledge of Trumpet Winsock
• Minimum of three published books on network architecture, server architecture, or data center design
• Ability to work in a startup mind-set
• Significant travel (80 to 90 percent)
• Minimum of 20 years’ experience in the technology field
• Minimum of 15 years’ experience in server and network architecture
• Strong listening and communication skills
• Knowledge of PCB fabrication and electrical engineering necessary to construct server hardware from scratch in the event of a supply chain disruption
• Ability to work remotely, wherever, whenever, 24/7/365
• Must be enthusiastic, charismatic, and stunningly good-looking
• Ability to multitask on a continuous basis
• Must provide own laptop and cell phone
• Must be able to sleep in sporadic 20-minute increments across many days when necessary
• Must provide own soldering iron
• Must have thorough knowledge of common knots used in rescue situations
• Must be able to rebuild the carburetor of a 1972 Buick Electra blindfolded
• Must be able to draw a perfect circle on a standard-sized Post-it Note by hand

Education:

• Master’s degree in business, secondary master’s in computer science. Doctorate and Nobel Prize in science preferred.

Compensation:

• Biweekly bags of peanuts, Cracker Jack, and stock options.

Are you up for the task? Send in your resumes immediately. Fergenschmeir is waiting to hear from you.

This story, “Wanted: Brilliant technology slave,” was originally published at InfoWorld.com. Read more of Paul Venezia’s The Deep End blog at InfoWorld.com. For the latest business technology news, follow InfoWorld.com on Twitter.