Apple, Microsoft, and Google want to tell you what you already know

Fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy week. Three tech titans — Apple, Microsoft, and Google — are planning to foist their latest wares upon an undeserving world over the next seven days. The Internet rumor mill has been belching smoke and throwing off sparks, working 24/7 to keep pace with real and imaginary leaks about what’s coming. I can hardly contain my excitement.

The next week promises to alter the tech landscape forever, rewrite the laws of physics, and allow us to send people forward in time so they can kill older versions of themselves — or is that backward to kill younger ones? Sorry, I keep getting “Looper” confused with “The Terminator.”

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We might also get more geeky stuff to play with. Lord knows we don’t already have enough of that.

First up to the plate, of course, is Apple. Tomorrow’s Special Event (no. 347 in a series) is likely to feature a 7.85-inch version of the Jesus Tablet, aka the iPad Mini.

My prediction about the Mini: It will be smaller. Talk about innovation! Never mind that Samsung introduced a 7-incher, what, two years ago? The next patent lawsuit shall commence in three, two, one ….

The Mini isn’t even official as I write this, but it’s already inspired its own bawdy parody commercial . Equally entertaining is Wired blogger Lore Sjoberg’s dissection of the Apple rumor mill, which begins thusly: “The rumors of the upcoming iPad Mini have been coming fast and thick, like a roller coaster made of mayonnaise.”

The Hellman’s Hellracer is now boarding: Please keep arms, legs, and chicken salad sandwiches inside the vehicle at all times.

Stepping up after Apple is Microsoft, with its official launch of Windows 8 and the Surface Tablet, aka the biggest unkept secret in the world.

Windows 8 will be either a) an extraordinary step forward that will restore Microsoft to its former glory, or b) a stumble into the abyss from which Microsoft is unlikely to ever recover, depending on who you’re talking to and whether they’ve had their nap yet.

Microsoft has wisely declined to let me get within 500 miles of the Surface, so I’m reserving judgment. But an old rule about skipping every other Microsoft Windows upgrade may apply here. Windows 7 still works like a charm, but I am still suffering from PVTSD (post-Vista traumatic stress disorder). Call me (maybe) when Windows 9 arrives.

Finally, we’ve come to Google. At or around the same time Steve Ballmer is saying something about how the Surface will allow you to go back in time to kill your grandparents, but in a good way, Google will be announcing … oh heck, let’s just let The Next Web spill it:

Google will release a 32GB variant of the Nexus 7. However, our source also tells us that there will be a second 32GB variant that will offer HSPA+ (3G) support… Google has also been working with Samsung to launch a 10-inch tablet, [which] goes under the name “Codename Manta”, runs Google’s new Android 4.2 operating system (previously referred to as Key Lime Pie, but is set to retain the Jelly Bean branding), and will offer a 2560×1600 pixel (16:10) resolution, which we believe will offer around 300 pixels per inch (PPI) compared to the new iPad’s 264 PPI….Google will launch the LG Nexus 4, featuring a quad-core 1.5 GHz Qualcomm APQ8064 Snapdragon processor, 4.7-inch 1280 x 768 display, 2GB RAM, 16GB storage, an 8-megapixel rear-facing camera (and 1.3-megapixel front-facing snapper), a 2100mAh battery and zzzzzzzzzzzz….

Sorry, nodded off for a second there. Whenever I hear rumors about Google hardware, I both fall into a persistent vegetative state and wake up hungry. Why is that?

Frankly, it’s a little unclear to me why Google chose this week of all weeks to unveil new products. Of the three, it looks to have the least exciting things to announce (unless Larry Page has something amazing up his sleeve). It’s like Google decided the only people who matter are the ones who’ve already converted to the church of Android, just as Apple caters almost entirely to its own cult, barely acknowledging the existence of anyone else.

And Microsoft? It’s also playing to its enterprise true believers, but at least it’s hoping to sway some agnostics who haven’t made up their minds.

Anyway, it’s going to be a big week. With any luck I’ll be in a coma somewhere and miss it entirely. Wake me when it’s over.

Do any of these exciting new announcements actually excite you? Share your enthusiasm below or email me: cringe@infoworld.com.

This article, “Apple, Microsoft, and Google want to tell you what you already know,” was originally published at InfoWorld.com. Follow the crazy twists and turns of the tech industry with Robert X. Cringely’s Notes from the Field blog, and subscribe to Cringely’s Notes from the Underground newsletter.