Laptops don’t lie: Filthy tales of tech repair

We all have stories to tell about users and their technology-related excuses, accidents, and misunderstandings. You’d think that at some point you’ve heard and seen it all. Still, users find ways to surprise, startle, and even amuse me.

Here are some recent favorites from my job working in a small laptop repair center.

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Food and technology don’t mix

Many computers are brought in after drink- or food-related accidents. At some point, it seems users would learn to keep the two apart. But as these stories show, that isn’t the case.

Occasionally, we get tickets with explanations that are just absurd, and you can’t help but imagine what must have happened before the computer’s demise. For example: “A pumpkin fell on the user’s laptop.” And: “User’s laptop was sitting in a puddle in their car. There is also tomato soup in the Ethernet port and VGA port.”

How about another? “User accidentally tipped a chocolate fondue fountain over onto her laptop.” Spoiler alert: That’ll never end well.

One day, a laptop came in with notes stating that the fan wasn’t spinning — no more, no less. I removed the fan and, to my surprise, found it had been smeared and stuffed with peanut butter (pictured above). There was no explanation as to why or how it got that way or whether it was part of an ill-fated experiment with the chocolate-smeared laptop — but we’re probably better off in our blissful ignorance.

Caution: Gloves and mask required

It should go without saying that a computer needs to stay far away from a bathroom or any other area where a user might deal with personal grooming or sensitive hygiene. But nooo. Here are some of the disgusting mishaps we deal with.

For one laptop, the ticket from the help desk stated that the fan was noisy. The fan was, in fact, noisy, and it sounded like something stuck in it rather than a bearing starting to fail. Still, I wasn’t prepared for what I found: When I took the laptop apart and removed the fan, about a half-dozen toenail clippings fell out. Not so strangely enough, the fan ran quietly after they were removed.

Much to our dismay, bodily fluids also merit a mention. For instance, we’ve seen more laptops than I care to remember that came in with tickets that read, “User vomited on laptop and would like it repaired.” Thankfully, that falls outside of every warranty we offer, and we send those machines right back with a nice, professionally worded version of “That is not happening … ever.”

Every year we can also expect to get at least six laptops that have doused with urine, either by “a puppy” or by “a drunk roommate.” We do not touch those machines: Users are typically charged full replacement cost in those cases.

Some people never learn

On the surface, it looked like just another dirty laptop. But it was more. It was proof that some end-users are too clueless to own computers.

To start with, the ticket from the help desk was terse: “Laptop is overheating again. User says this is the fourth time she’s brought it in for this issue. Please fix it right this time.”

I decided to do the help desk’s job for them and look up past tickets to see if this was true; in this case, it was. Every single time, the laptop was caked in filth. I know this because each time we took photos of it and attached it to the computer’s file.

Every single time, we implemented the solution: “Laptop was extremely dirty. Heat sink and fan were clogged with dust and hair. Cleaned the laptop and it now operates within normal temperatures. Please educate user on proper routine cleaning procedures or suggest she bring laptop in on a regular basis to have it cleaned to avoid this issue recurring.”

In all probability, the help desk did tell the user what was wrong with her laptop and how to avoid the problems from recurring. But even if the help desk was slacking and didn’t inform her, you’d think her brain would click: “Laptop gets hot. I bring it in. The ticket I sign with the solution on it says they cleaned it. There must be a connection!”

Alas, the lesson never seems to sink in.

Honesty is sometimes the best policy

After hearing every excuse and obvious lie in the book, it’s refreshing when a user is simply honest about what happened — even if it is surprising.

Several years ago we received a laptop that was covered in chocolate cake and had an arrow through the LCD. (See previous mention of other disastrous meetings of food and tech.) The user stated that he had “become frustrated” with the Windows BSODs and “sort of lost it.” That’s putting it mildly!

I guess users like these keep the job interesting. And accidents happen, of course. However, I can’t help thinking that some users should never go anywhere near technology.

And send your own crazy-but-true tale of managing IT, personal bloopers, supporting users, or dealing with bureaucratic nonsense to offtherecord@infoworld.com. If we publish it, you’ll receive a $50 American Express gift cheque.

This story, “Laptops don’t lie: Filthy tales of tech repair,” was originally published at InfoWorld.com. Read more crazy-but-true stories in the anonymous Off the Record blog at InfoWorld.com. For the latest business technology news, follow InfoWorld.com on Twitter.