Marissa Mayer as miracle worker? Yahoo sure hopes so

Well, nobody saw that coming. In the sweepstakes to win the title of Yahoo CEO, the smart money seemed to be on the interim guy, Ross Levinsohn, who was handpicked by cranky shareholder Dan Loeb to replace Scott “I’m not really a computer engineer I just play one on my resume” Thompson. That seemed especially likely after Hulu Jefe Jason Kilar publicly bowed out of the race.

So the naming of Google uberstar Marissa Mayer surprised just about everyone. Even AllThingsD’s Kara Swisher, who’s been on the Yahoo story like the white on rice and claims to live in the air vent above the CEO’s desk, didn’t have a clue. It was a pleasant surprise, no doubt, to the thousands of Yahoo employees who’ve had nothing but bad news for as long as anyone can remember.

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But I’m not convinced that “won” is the right word here. It’s a bit like taking over the helm on the Titanic after the iceberg has been struck and the lifeboats are in the water.

Though not Yahoo’s first female CEO (that honor of course belonged to Carol “Pottymouth” Bartz), Mayer is the first one to a) have photo spreads in both Glamour and Vogue, and b) be pregnant — which, if nothing else, provided an excellent cover story for explaining why she threw up immediately after looking at Yahoo’s financials.

As Google Employee No. 20, Mayer is at least partly responsible for many of the search/ad giant’s most notable features — like Google’s iconically simple search page, AdWords, the Google Doodle contest, Google News, and many more. If anyone could find the cure for Yahooliosis and restore the company’s mojo, it’s likely to be her.

That hasn’t stopped the rest of Silicon Valley and the media from churning out terabytes of unsolicited advice. For example, former Yahoo engineer Sriram Krishnan serves up 10 tips for Mayer, including firing anyone who still uses a BlackBerry or has the word “architect” in their job title. My favorite:

Make a huge sign with the phrase “the premier digital media company.” Then make a video of you running a bulldozer over it crushing that sign. No one knows what that phrase means. Come up with a goal that people can actually visualize and isn’t meaningless corporate mumbo-jumbo. Here’s a suggestion — “A Yahoo app on every home screen.”

Some unknown Webizen has already registered the site DearMarissaMayer.com just to share these five words of advice: “Please make Flickr awesome again.”

As if she were a contestant on “Jeopardy,” Swisher posed her advice in the form of 10 questions, complete with catty commentary:

It is a very big job you have now, and in a very intense spotlight. While you have never been shy to be out there in the media, this new job is not the same thing as posing for a cute magazine cover and telling stories of your quirky work practices.

Swisher’s other advice: Don’t start wearing purple, it’s not your color.

Forbes blogger and CEO of MyCorporation Deborah Sweeney has the same advice for being both a chief executive and a new mother: “Surround yourself with good people, eat well, and exercise.”

Also: Make sure everyone flosses between meals, and don’t let the software engineers drink those sugary sodas — you know how cranky it makes them.

Netscape icon turned VC Marc Andreessen has some more down-to-earth advice for the new CEO: Cut 10,000 jobs. Immediately.

I would add: Afterward, be sure to hire someone to start your car for you each morning.

Me, I think Mayer is a bold and interesting choice for Yahoo. It makes sense because Yahoo needed to do something dramatic — one more guy in a blue suit, a $200 haircut, and a Rolex isn’t going to cut it. It also makes sense because Mayer is a geek, not a suit. To me this means Yahoo is going to stop trying to be a media company — we have too many of those (are you listening, AOL?) — and start making products again.

Yahoo’s problem isn’t that it sucks at what it does. It’s problem is that it is, at best, second best at what it does. And the Internet does not reward companies that come in second. Yahoo needs to be the best at something; exactly what that something will be is the challenge facing Mayer & Co.

Word on the street is that beneath that Cover Girl look and sweet smile is a tough, take-no-prisoners executive who alienates as much as she inspires. In other words, she sounds a lot like Steve Jobs, who inherited an even worse scenario when he returned to Apple in 1997.

I’m not saying Mayer is the female equivalent of Jobs; it is much too soon to make that statement. But that is really the only thing that could save Yahoo.

What do you think Marissa Mayer should do to turn Yahoo around? Deposit your pearls of wisdom below or email me: cringe@infoworld.com.

This article, “Marissa Mayer as miracle worker? Yahoo sure hopes so,” was originally published at InfoWorld.com. Follow the crazy twists and turns of the tech industry with Robert X. Cringely’s Notes from the Field blog, and subscribe to Cringely’s Notes from the Underground newsletter.