Apple vs. Samsung: The truth shall set us free

The Apple/Samsung fight is about to get entertaining, and by “entertaining,” I mean really nasty. Exhibit No. 1: Last week, a U.K. court ordered Apple to admit, in newspaper advertisements and on its website, that Samsung did not steal the iPad design for its line of Galaxy tablets.

That whirring sound you hear is Steve Jobs spinning at 5,400 rpm in his grave.

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I’d imagine Tim Cook would rather munch on broken glass than paste that statement anywhere on Apple.com. But unless the Appletons find a way to overturn the decision of Judge Colin Birss, then that historic event shall come to pass.

To be fair, Birss probably should also force Samsung to post his pronouncement that the Galaxy tab is “not as cool” as an iPad and, thus, couldn’t be a copy.

Having used both a Galaxy tab and an iPad extensively, I can say they’re more alike than not. Then again, I could say the same thing about most toasters, coffeemakers, and microwave ovens.

Actually, there are far bigger differences between the interfaces on microwaves than there are between any of the dozen tablets I’ve tried. Really, how many ways can you make a touchscreen device in that form factor? Not many. And as Apple v. Samsung — or, if you prefer, Samsung v. Apple — is revealing, there are only so many ways you can design a smartphone, leading to Samsung’s claims that Apple was just copying Sony when it created the iPhone.

Tech companies come clean

Thankfully, deciding who copied whom isn’t my job — that’s up to multiple juries in different countries. But I quite like the whole truth-in-advertising concept. I think it’s an excellent precedent for the rest of the tech industry. Imagine what it would be like if the biggest companies in the digital realm were forced to say what they actually believed.

Google: “That whole ‘Don’t be evil‘ line? Really just an April Fools’ joke. We never thought anyone would take it seriously. Kind of like Orkut.”

Facebook: “Actually, we don’t give a damn about your privacy. Don’t like it? We hear MySpace is relaunching.”

Microsoft: “At this point we could quit the tech business and just sell cupcakes, and we’d still make $23 billion in annual profits. We totally own you. Haven’t you figured that out by now?”

Twitter: “We were totally high when we came up with this idea. Now you expect us to come up with a way to make money off 140-character brain farts? You must be high.”

Yahoo: “We’ve been making most of our decisions over the last two years by consulting a Magic 8-Ball, and we’re still $1 billion in the black. Is this a great industry or what?”

AOL: “Our best customers are senior citizens who are still paying $17.50 a month for dialup Internet. Shhh, don’t wake them, they’re napping. Or possibly comatose.”

Sony: “We haven’t had an original idea since 2005 — and that one was stolen by Apple.”

Samsung: “We give you cutting-edge electronics at bargain prices, and you gave us a McDonalds, Starbucks, or Dunkin Donuts on every corner. We want our stuff back.”

That is the world I’d like to live in. It would certainly be preferable to the one we have now, where everyone sues the hell out of each other over design patents when they should be spending their time and money making better products. But maybe that’s just me.

What truthful statements would you like tech companies to make? Post yours below or email me: cringe@infoworld.com. I’ll name my favorite one in a future post.

This article, “Apple vs. Samsung: The truth shall set us free,” was originally published at InfoWorld.com. Follow the crazy twists and turns of the tech industry with Robert X. Cringely’s Notes from the Field blog, and subscribe to Cringely’s Notes from the Underground newsletter.