Been treated unfairly at work? Brush it off

Dear Bob …

In your last Advice Line post, you said this: “Do what you need to do to get over whatever sense you have that you’ve been treated unfairly.”

[ Also on InfoWorld: Bob shows you how to cope without a workplace mentor in “Be your own boss, even if you have a boss” | Get sage IT career advice from Bob Lewis’ Advice Line newsletter. ]

That’s very easy to say. I find it very hard to do. Any suggestions, or is this just one of those things consultants say to make themselves feel better?

– Resentful

Dear Resentful …

To answer your second question first, no. It’s one of those things consultants learn how to do because of how often companies play the “blame the consultant” game. Not that my clients have ever indulged in it, but I’ve heard stories.

Anyway, while I am in no way an expert on the subject and am prone to the occasional bout of resentment myself, here’s the best I have:

1. Pinpoint who you think has treated you unfairly. It’s rarely the entire enterprise; usually it’s one or two people. Be mad at them and let the rest off the hook.
2. Put yourself in the perpetrator’s shoes for a minute and ask, if you were sitting there, what you would have done. It’s very likely you’ll conclude your situation is just unfortunate collateral damage from a fundamentally sound decision.
3. Try to find ways your new situation gives you opportunities you wouldn’t have had otherwise. To the extent it does, concentrate on them.
4. Look back to find occasions in which life treated you unfairly in a positive way — where, through no action of your own that meant you deserved it, you benefited in some way. If you know where to look, I’ll guarantee you’ll find plenty of these. It might be your “choice” of parents. It might be the school district you were in. It might be a fine teacher, professor, or manager who took an interest in you for no obvious reason you can discern. Or it might be an earlier assignment that you were awarded rather than earned that moved you forward in your career.

Whatever these unfair advantages turn out to be, they’ll help you regain a sense of balance.

The universe being more or less random, most of us live lives that are a mixture of fortunate and unfortunate events, most of which are pretty much beyond our control. One way I avoid getting too worked up about the bad ones is by remembering when good things happen; by doing so, I’m able to forgo feeling guilty over my undeserved advantages.

– Bob

This story, “Been treated unfairly at work? Brush it off,” was originally published at InfoWorld.com. Read more of Bob Lewis’s Advice Line blog on InfoWorld.com.