Managing conflict outside of the classroom and in the workplace

Dear Bob …

We recently went through a Conflict Management Class — everyone in the company. I shouldn’t make fun of it. The content wasn’t bad and the point was good: That conflict isn’t a bad thing; it’s badly handled conflict that’s a problem. Conflict handled well, in fact, is a positive force in a company because it means we’re talking about real issues instead of avoiding them, which means we can actually get them solved.

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Which brings me to “Lisa” (not, of course, her real name). Lisa is like a woman transformed. Where she used to be passive aggressive, she now confidently confronts me (and everyone else, so far as I can tell), merrily using the formula we were taught: “When you do this, it makes me feel like that.” She is, in theory, taking responsibility for her reaction while letting us know what we’re doing to trigger it.

I wouldn’t have a problem with this if she were as accepting of confrontation as she is initiating it. Several of us have approached her to discuss one of her many irritating personality quirks, only to have her wave off our issues as if they didn’t exist.

For Lisa, conflict management is a one-way street. And I admit I’m lying: When she says, “When you do this, it makes me feel …” I hear, “When you do this it’s bad and you need to fix it.” I don’t care what she’s saying. I know what she means, except that now that we’ve all taken the class I can’t even call her on it because she’s using the approved formula.

It isn’t the worst problem in the world to have, I know. On the other hand, finding a way to deal with this would be one small step in preserving what little sanity I have left.

Any thoughts?

– Conflicted

Dear Conflicted …

Ah, yes, the old “conflict management in a box” routine. So long as you follow the recipe, good conflict is certain to result — except, of course, it won’t. Not everyone likes the same flavors, and no matter how behavioral we’re all supposed to be, we’ve all grown up using behavior to infer attitude and meaning. Therefore, your interpretation of her meaning is more likely accurate than otherwise. She really is criticizing you, but she’s using the approved methods.

What to do? One approach is to adopt Lisa’s waving-off techniques in response to whatever criticism she has to offer — probably not the best, though, as it’s petty. A better approach might be to act as though she really is taking responsibility for her reaction to whatever it is you’re doing that bothers her.

Next time Lisa offers a “when you do this it makes me feel” remark, take it seriously.

In response, you should say, “I had no idea. Now that we both recognize that you have this reaction, what do you plan to do to react differently next time? Because while I understand you have a negative reaction, I don’t get that from anyone else and if I start policing my behavior around you too carefully, I know myself — I’ll end up doing everything I can to avoid interacting with you. I’m sure neither of us wants that to happen.”

As for her waving you off, learn your lesson. She has no interest in altering her behavior to help you out, so don’t waste your time calling any of it to her attention.

Finally, be a bit patient and understanding with her. My guess is that Lisa’s seriously insecure, and she’s sure that any negative reaction means you think she’s a bad person, no matter what the conflict formula says. Insecurity is a deep-seated thing. She’s just discovered a way to assert herself, probably for the first time, and my guess is that she’s revelling in her newfound ability.

In a way, she’s like a child learning to play the violin. She’s having a great time. Those who have to listen to her torture “Fur Elise” have to decide whether to be honest about the quality of entertaininment — which would end the child’s interest in the violin forever — or force a smile and lie through your teeth, saying, “Wow! That was wonderful!”

The truth might set you free, but it sometimes has the opposite effect on its audience.

– Bob

This story, “Managing conflict outside of the classroom and in the workplace,” was originally published at InfoWorld.com. Read more of Bob Lewis’s Advice Line blog on InfoWorld.com.