When the boss plays favorites — and it isn’t you

Dear Bob …

I’m faced with a serious barrier to my career: I don’t hunt. I don’t fish either, and in fact, I’m not all that fond of the great outdoors, no matter how great it is.

[ Also on InfoWorld: Bob offers another example of problematic management in “When ‘managing up’ is part of your job description, tread with care” | Get sage advice on IT careers and management from Bob Lewis in InfoWorld’s Advice Line newsletter. ]

The reason this is a barrier to my career is that my boss does hunt. He fishes, too, although not as enthusiastically, and he loves the great outdoors — the way he talks about it, it’s like the best and biggest beer bar in the world.

None of this would bother me in the slightest except that several of my peers also like to hunt, fish, and drink beer with the sky as their only ceiling. They and my boss get along great. They talk about hunting, fishing, and drinking beer, and they go on hunting and fishing trips together where they drink beer.

There’s no question that the deer slayers are the favorites. It goes beyond socializing or I wouldn’t be writing. They’re on the receiving end of more information and better assignments than the rest of us, and I’m starting to resent it.

Any thoughts on how to turn this into a positive?

– Venison-Free Programmer

Dear VFP …

Some variation of this happens all the time in the workforce. Whether the boss likes baseball, hunting, knitting, or science fiction, those who share the boss’s passion have an easier time building rapport than those who don’t.

This doesn’t make your boss a bad person. It does make him a worse manager for the same reason he isn’t a bad person: He’s entirely unconscious of what he’s doing.

It seems to me you have five alternatives available to you. You can:

• Continue to eat your liver. Stay where you are, do nothing, and watch your attitude slowly decline until you don’t like who you are anymore. I don’t recommend this one.
• Leave. Look for a better position, defined as one where you and your new boss share a hobby. Your new boss won’t be any better, but he or she will be better for you, and that’s almost as good. Maybe better.

• Discuss the problem with your boss. This is the straight-arrow approach. Make an appointment with your boss, close the door, and let him know politely but diplomatically how you perceive the situation and its effect on you (don’t, by the way, presume to speak for anyone else). This is also the riskiest alternative. Choose it based on your assessment of your boss’s character, not on any other criteria.
• Discuss the matter with your boss’s boss. Assuming your company has an open door policy, make use of it. Don’t complain about your boss in this session. Assume the best: Suggest that you’re pretty sure he’s entirely unconscious of what’s going on, and ask his boss to gently bring it to his attention.
• Discuss the matter with Human Resources. It’s the same conversation as with your boss’s boss, but have it with HR instead if, in your judgment, your boss’s boss won’t handle the matter well and with discretion.

As you assess your options, make sure to avoid becoming resentful. Your boss’s behavior is interfering with your career. Resentment, in contrast, will turn you into a bad employee, which will be much worse in the long run.

Be understanding — preferring the company of those with common interests and values is entirely natural. However, good managers recognize the tendency and compensate for it, while not-so-good managers aren’t as self-aware.

– Bob

This story, “When the boss plays favorites — and it isn’t you,” was originally published at InfoWorld.com.