Apple’s tablet: The only thing that matters

Forget Obamacare or the new Republican senator from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Pay no attention to the New Orleans Saints or the Jay Leno/Conan O’Brien soap opera. You can even safely ignore the Chinese and their cyber shenanigans. There’s only one thing happening in the world this week, and it’s taking place in about 48 hours in San Francisco.

Call it what you will — iSlateMania, iPadMadness, iTabletBabble — the hype surrounding Apple’s upcoming mystery announcement (aka the Wonder Tablet) has drowned out everything else of import, at least among the geekerati. Jesus Himself could descend from the heavens and declare the rapture, and unless He was carrying an Apple tablet nobody would pay Him any mind.

[ Check out more of Cringely’s musings on demystifying Apple’s magical mystery event. | And stay up to date on all Robert X. Cringely’s observations with InfoWorld’s Notes from the Underground newsletter. ]

Thus we have TechCrunch quoting Steve Jobs (using second-, third-, and fourth-hand accounts) saying, “This [the Wonder Tablet] will be the most important thing I’ve ever done.”

(FYI, other things Steve Jobs has probably been overheard saying:

“My, that was certainly a tasty macrobiotic burrito.”

“What the #$#@#! do you mean you don’t #$#@#ing! know when the #$#@#ing! OS will be ready? Remind me again who signs your #$#@#ing! paychecks?”

“Bill Gates on line 2? Tell him I’m in the shower.”)

What does this tell us, exactly? Two things:

1. TechCrunch will report anything (but we knew that already).
2. Geeks are desperate for any crumb of news attached to the Wonder Tablet, no matter how trivial or implausible.

Meanwhile there is actual news, of a sort. Web analytics firm Flurry, which offers software to developers that lets them track where and how their apps are used, reports  a flurry (sorry) of activity from unidentified devices emanating from IP addresses in Cupertino. Some 50 devices that are not iPhones yet use iPhone apps — particularly game and entertainment apps — are actively hitting the Flurry network. (They’re also detecting testing of iPhone OS 4.0, thus confirming that rumor as well.)

This is the first solid evidence for an Apple tablet that’s not based on an analysts’ predictions, rumor, innuendo, blind hope, or goat’s entrails. So all this slate/pad hype might actually pan out.

Here are my predictions for how this will all go down, two days hence.

The Hype Climax: Moments before the beginning of the Jan. 27 event, some blogger will report seeing Steve Jobs carrying the mythical tablet and walking across the San Francisco Bay to the Yerba Buena Center.

The Special Event: Blah blah blah iLife 2010. Blah blah blah new wireless partners. Blah blah blah iPhone OS 4.0. And maybe other stuff nobody but people with images of Steve Jobs tattooed on their posteriors will give a damn about.

The One More Thing: Yes, it’s the Wonder Tablet! My god, it’s so shiny. It glows with its own ineffable light. And it runs iPhone apps. Heavens be praised.

(Also: I predict this will be the last time Jobs ever says “one more thing.” That phrase will be permanently retired and sent to the Computer History Museum in San Jose.)

The Predictable Fawning: It will change life as we know it! It’s a jet pack and a time machine! It cuts your drying time in half and completely eliminates the need to buy paper towels! How did we ever live without it?

The Inevitable Backlash: Once the groveling has peaked, some crafty bloggers will leap upon the chance to declare the Wonder Tablet not all that wonderful, really. I mean, it’s kind of pricey. Not as light as we’d hoped. It runs hot, the screen gets scratched pretty easily, and the battery life sucks. There are problems finding 3G networks or connecting to Wi-Fi. The content partners aren’t as exciting as we’d hoped. And so on.

Months later: People come to the sobering realization that it’s just another friggin’ computer, with the usual computer problems. And in the interim, maybe, we’ll all be able to pay attention to things that really matter.

(Go ahead, Apple fanboys: Complain about how there’s no “real news” in this blog post. You know you want to.)

Can’t wait for all this Apple tablet madness to blow over? (Me neither.) Or are you on pins and needles waiting for Wedneday? Either way, post your thoughts below or e-mail me: cringe@infoworld.com.

This story, “Apple’s tablet: The only thing that matters,” was originally published at InfoWorld.com.