Practical jokes to play on pushy vendors

Vendor-dodging — we’ve all done it. If I stopped to talk to every vendor and answer every survey or questionnaire, I would get nothing done all day, especially because our company has one receptionist and only very basic call routing. A vendor’s job and ours will always intersect, and some conversations will be respectful, and others not so much. At least we can find some humor in the situations.

These days with caller ID, it’s easy to avoid taking phone calls you know will be less than productive. But sometimes I’m busy with something and pick up the phone without looking, or the call appears to be legit. Then I’m stuck in whatever type of call the proverbial dice has rolled.

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Some vendors are polite and listen, keeping the conversation short. Then there are the more annoying ones who don’t listen to what you say, get your name wrong, and tell you it’s not a sales call — but who can eventually be dissuaded with sarcasm.

Me: “Well, we are actually in great shape right now, we have a budget freeze, we are in the middle of restructuring, and our parent company is in the Ukraine. So we really can’t do anything.”

Them: Click.

Sometimes, a very pushy vendor manages to acquire every extension for our entire department and systematically calls each one of them. In our cozy confines, one quickly becomes aware when a vendor is making the call rounds. By the third or fourth call, all productive work has ceased and it’s time to resort to guerilla tactics. Here are some of the best ways to quickly get your name removed from the offending vendor’s phone list.

1. Transfer them to the fax line, every time.
2. Immediately ask for a credit card number to begin billing them for your time.
3. Answer and speak in a foreign accent — a really thick, unintelligible one.
4. Send them back to the switchboard and tell them to ask to be transferred to Sven, who doesn’t really exist.
5. Simply state that you are not allowed to speak to vendors and you have no idea who is. This tactic can often baffle them into silence, as they have no idea what to do next.

Occasionally, you get a vendor who’s so cheery, so determined, and so armed with positive responses that eventually you give in and talk to them.

Ring ring.

Me: “Hello.”

Cheerful vendor: “Hi, this is Mike from ABC. Can I speak to the person that handles your printing supplies!”

Me (with a sigh): “Speaking.”

Cheerful vendor: “Listen, I just wanted to advise you that we have some great two-for-one pricing on all of our toner and ink cartridges this month. What printers do you use?!”

Me: “We don’t. We’ve gone completely paperless.”

Cheerful vendor: “That’s fantastic. You know we have some of the best prices around on storage, which you just clearly indicated you’ll be using plenty of. Can I price you out a storage array?”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t have any budget left the rest of the year.”

Cheerful vendor: “That’s understandable this time of year, I’m looking to help you plan for next year. How much storage will you be needing?”

Seems I’ve snagged a fighter.

Me : “Well, our parent company has to approve all large purchases, and they are now in Tibet.”

I’ve got him now.

Cheerful vendor: “That’s perfect. My best storage consultants are in Tibet. I’ll ping them later and we’ll get them on a Webex.”

Does this guy does not give up?

Me: “Well, we use a homegrown system we hacked together from an encrypted Linux kernel abandoned by NASA after being ported over from Aramaic.”

I’ve really got him this time.

Cheerful vendor: “Excellent. I majored in Aramaic after I left NASA, should be a piece of cake. So … how much toner do you need?”

Me: “I’ll take six.”

Vendors are human, and they deserve respect. Their jobs are not easy, especially the cold calls. And there is a fine line between vendor dodging, and vendor abuse. (Note to any vendors who may be reading this: See? We’re not all unfeeling curmudgeons.)

But vendors have a certain amount of responsibility to listen to us and be polite as well. We have one specific vendor (I use the term loosely) who abused this unspoken agreement. Thanks to technology, they will never again be able to call this building and get a human on the phone. When you verbally tell a vendor more than a dozen times that we cannot give out information and to please stop calling, you expect them to listen. If they do not, the gloves will come off.

Vendors, we welcome you if you listen to us. But the incessant, mindless, thoughtless cold callers — get out of Dodge.

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This story, “Practical jokes to play on pushy vendors,” was originally published at InfoWorld.com. Read more crazy-but-true stories in the anonymous Off the Record blog at InfoWorld.com. For the latest business technology news, follow InfoWorld.com on Twitter.