Stupid tech: From the iPotty to delivery drones

Drones delivering books, nonstop blabbing on his cellphone from the bozo sitting next to you on a long flight, and the iPotty — you may love technology, but admit it: Some tech advances should never have seen the light of day. They’re simply a big pain in the patootie or too dumb for words.

Let’s start with some of the most bizarre tech gadgets you could imagine — all of which are actually for sale.

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No, I’m not kidding about the iPotty You probably thought I was joking when I mentioned the iPotty. I’m not — here’s a link to Amazon.com that proves your toddler can learn to poop on the potty while exercising the other end of her body on your iPad. It can be yours for a mere $34.98, tablet not included. Aside from the utter stupidity of this idea (think what your kid is likely to smear on the screen), there’s a serious point: Why does everything in our lives have to be digital? (Well, two serious points. The other one: Why can’t we let our kids be kids?)

Talk about distracted driving. Everyone with a brain knows that texting while driving is insanely dangerous, and using your cellphone without a headset in the car is nearly as bad. But using your laptop while you’re at the wheel is somehow just peachy. In fact, now you can write a memo or crunch some numbers or maybe watch a video while barreling down the interstate at 65 mph. Yup, for just $25.39, the AutoExec Wheelmate Steering Wheel Attachable Work Surface Tray can be yours.

There are some really cool, useful wearable fitness devices and apps. But the HapiFork isn’t one of them. “The HapiFork, powered by Slow Control, is an electronic fork that helps you monitor and track your eating habits. It also alerts you with the help of indicator lights and gentle vibrations when you are eating too fast.” Hey, it costs only $99!

The stupidity doesn’t stop with gadgets Moving right along, let’s leave the realm of dopey gadgets and think about tech advances and regulatory changes that should make you cringe.

Here’s one that’s in the realm of “be careful what you wish for”: allowing cellphone use during commercial flights. Sure, it’s garnered tons of discussion, and I often thought that the safety issue cited to prohibit it was probably bogus, or at least unproven. But now that the FCC is giving this matter a serious rethink, consider the implications.

Air travel for those of us who can’t fly in first class or in a private jet has become miserable: no legroom, not enough space in the overhead, and awful (when it’s available) food. But at least we can do some reading or catch up on work. Once cellphone use gets the OK, even the simple pleasure of a couple of distraction-free hours will vanish. People will talk … and talk … and talk. They’ll do it loudly and incessantly, and they won’t care if you’re trying to take a nap.

Although I hope the airlines don’t allow in-flight cellphone use even if the feds permit it, I have to admit there’s a potential advantage that I don’t know how to square with the huge disadvantage: Having a cellular connection to download data and email would be very useful — and not at all annoying. But you can’t have cellular data without cellular voice. Given how truculent many passengers can be, it’s hard to imagine that voice calls would be banned if cellular data usage is permitted. I wouldn’t want to be the flight attendant trying to get some bozo in seat 25C to shut up.

The idea of drones delivering packages to your door is so weird and so off-the-wall I can’t believe anyone is taking it seriously. But ever since Amazon.com CEO Jeff Bezos unveiled the idea on “60 Minutes,” it’s been talked about incessantly.

It’s so patently hazardous to have who knows how many of those things buzzing around your neighborhood that it’s not worth arguing about. (Yet people are.) It gets worse: The potential for others to launch drones equipped with cameras while disguised as innocent delivery drones is nearly as frightening.

There’s a larger point to be made: Why is it so important to get your new shirt delivered in 30 minutes? As Maureen Dowd remarked in her New York Times column this week, there’s already a way to do that: Go to the store. In any event, what is the extreme rush to get a new grill for the barbeque?

Driverless cars? I don’t think so Google now claims that its small fleet of driverless cars is already as safe as human-guided cars because it has racked up 500,000 miles without an accident. I’m sure that’s true, but think about how carefully engineered and maintained those cars must be. Certainly, they get frequent inspections, and the software and hardware controlling them are tweaked all the time by really good engineers.

Now consider your car. Do you inspect the brakes very often? And when was the last time you had someone examine the suspension or the wheel bearings? Those are all mission-critical systems, but we take them for granted — and many accidents are caused by that neglect. If you had a driverless car, who would maintain the software and hardware needed to keep it safe? Would your neighborhood mechanic be able to do that? Would we have to check in at the Google Garage once a month?

And what happens when there’s an unexpected software crash? I think we’re talking about a whole new meaning to “blue screen of death.”

I rest my case.

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This article, “Stupid tech: From the iPotty to delivery drones,” was originally published by InfoWorld.com. Read more of Bill Snyder’s Tech’s Bottom Line blog and follow the latest technology business developments at InfoWorld.com. For the latest business technology news, follow InfoWorld.com on Twitter.