From England to Ecuador: Assange’s excellent adventure

We are all Ecuadorians now. Or maybe just Tralfamadorians.

After months of hiding out in Ecuador’s London embassy, eating empanadas and learning how to play the rondador, Julian Assange has officially been granted asylum in his newfound home of Ecuador.

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The situation came to a head on Wednesday night, as British police surrounded the embassy, along with a few dozen pro-Assange protestors. I thought for sure we were on the verge of an international incident, but the bobbies declined to storm the palace. Still, Ecuadorian president Rafael Correa better shouldn’t expect an invitation to the next Silver Jubilee celebration. I hope it was worth it.

As for the WikiLeaks founder, he’s had to sleep on an air mattress in a small office in the embassy — a slight downgrade from the Norfolk mansion and the 3,000-acre estate in Sussex where he has spent most of the last two years. Per the New York Times:

A diplomat familiar with Mr. Assange’s situation said that he spent his time in a back room, which gets no direct sunlight. Several weeks ago he had a bad cold and appeared depressed, the source said.

“He can’t get outside to see the sun,” his mother, Christine Assange, said in a recent interview conducted in Quito for BBC Mundo, a BBC Web site. “I’m worried about his health, as I would be for anybody who is having to stay indoors and not get exercise and have sunlight.”

She said some of Mr. Assange’s friends have encouraged him to put on music and dance as a way of getting physical activity and that they had also brought sunlamps.

Umm, mom, have you seen your son? He looks like he hasn’t gotten any sunlight in 20 years. But he makes up for it by spending as much time in the spotlight as possible.

As much as the U.S. government loathes Julian Assange — really, can you blame the feds? — I doubt Uncle Sam would take the extraordinary step of prosecuting him. Although an Australian citizen (or possibly now an Ecuadorustralian), he is still technically a journalist, albeit a crappy and morally suspect one. Would the Obama Administration prosecute Assange in an election year when it would a) tick off the president’s liberal base while b) giving more anti-Constitutional fodder to his opponents? It seems unlikely.

Regardless, Julian Assange’s legal and political problems have now become a problem of physics. He’s still in the Ecuadorian embassy, a small island of refuge surrounded by an angry sea of England.

How can Assange manage to transport his physical person from his air mattress in the Ecuadorian embassy to Ecuador proper without setting foot on British soil — thus, subjecting himself to arrest? That’s the 64-million-sucre question.

Some have suggested the Ecuadorians make Assange their representative to the United Nations, thus granting him diplomatic immunity. There’s a bright idea. Because if there’s one thing Assange is known for, it’s his ability to avoid confrontations and defuse tense situations. (World War III will begin in three, two, one …)

Naturally, I had a few thoughts as to how the Albino Aussie could make his escape:

Tunneling: Assange could dig his way to South America. It only took six years and $21 million billion to to build the chunnel between France and England. I’m sure Assange could make it to Ecuador for much less, though it might take him a little longer.

FedEx: When you absolutely, positively have to sneak a publicity-seeking pain in the Assange out of the country. Or he could simply be stuffed into a diplomatic pouch (apparently not an original idea).

Magic carpet: If he were in the Saudi embassy, this might be an option.

Impersonation: The Ecuadorians could sneak him out of the embassy disguised as Cate Blanchett. The downside? We’d have to watch Assange play Galadriel in all those “Hobbit” movies.

Mission Impossible: The MI team could rappel down into the embassy via helicopters and haul Assange out of there. Only problem is Tom Cruise would demand at least $20 million and above-the-credits billing.

Transporter: Beam me up, Scotty. And bring my pale egomaniac pal with me.

How would you spirit L’Assange out of England? Outline your wacky escape plans below or email me: cringe@infoworld.com.

This article, “From England to Ecuador: Assange’s excellent adventure,” was originally published at InfoWorld.com. Follow the crazy twists and turns of the tech industry with Robert X. Cringely’s Notes from the Field blog, and subscribe to Cringely’s Notes from the Underground newsletter.