Apple to Samsung: Sorry you’re not as cool as we are

Remember that treacly catchphrase from the 1970s, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”? Deep down, Apple must truly love Samsung, because it just can’t bring itself to properly apologize to the South Korean electronics giant.

Last July, a U.K. judge ordered Apple to apologize, in public, for claiming that Samsung had stolen the design of the iPad for its Galaxy tablet. Among Judge Colin Birss’ more notable conclusions was that Galaxy tablets “do not have the same understated and extreme simplicity which is possessed by the Apple design. They are not as cool.”

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Apple was required to buy ads in five U.K. newspapers and to post a notice on its website stating that Samsung did not copy its designs. Apple appealed that ruling and lost.

So last week Apple complied — or reluctantly pretended to comply — by buying one terse newspaper ad and offering a teensy link at the bottom of its U.K. home page to a six-paragraph statement that was, shall we say, less than apologetic.

I’ll let The Register’s Anna Leach describe it for you, since that snarky U.K. tech rag has been having quite a bit of fun with the whole topic.

The statement can be found via a small link labeled “Samsung/Apple UK judgment” on Apple’s UK homepage, and is a mealy mouthed six-paragraph account of the litigation over Apple’s registered design….

Two paragraphs acknowledge the court ruling, and four are devoted to digs at Samsung. It includes quotes from the judge saying that Samsung’s fondleslab is “not as cool” as the iPad, and ends with a self-righteous declaration that courts in other countries have decided differently…

Judge Jacob, dismissing Apple’s appeal against Birss’ initial ruling, specified a font and font-size – Arial, size 14 – for the print version of the statement to appear in UK newspapers, but web visitors may have a harder time finding Apple’s non-apology on the UK homepage. Even with a high-resolution Retina screen bringing every detail on the page to “resolutionary” glory, it’s still a small link.

That Register story, titled “APPLE: SCREW YOU BRITS, everyone else says Samsung copied us,” was introduced as evidence in court a few days later by Samsung. As a result, a three-judge panel at the U.K. Court of Appeals ruled that Apple must apologize again — and this time they have to act like they really mean it.

Apple has removed the statement from its U.K. site (you can still read a cached copy) and replaced it with … nothing, so far at least. On the whole, though, the company is acting like a petulant school bully who has been forced by the principal to apologize to the kid he just beat up in front of the entire class: “I’m sorry you’re such a wuss that I had to pummel you. I’m sorry I didn’t hit you harder. I’m sorry that your mom gave birth to such a loser. I’m sorry I’m being forced to stand here and apologize to you when I have much more important things to worry about. I’m truly truly sorry.”

Correct me if I’m wrong but, as far as I can tell, Apple has won on most of its design copyright claims in the United States, but lost in the United Kingdom, Netherlands, and Germany. The case in South Korea was more or less a tie, and the case in Australia has not been decided yet. The notion of design theft is hardly as clear cut as Apple would like us all to believe.

But more important: Can we just end this stupidity now? The whole of it? Right now?

Apple has created a market for tablets where many had tried and failed before, and for that we are grateful. Apple still dominates that space, due to both its marketing genius and the fact that it makes damned good products. It is doing just fine.

Kleenex makes pretty good tissues. Xerox makes fine photocopiers. But the world would be a poorer place if we could only buy copiers from one source or have only one option for blowing our noses. Giving Apple a de facto monopoly on rectangular glass slates with rounded corners isn’t going to help anyone but Apple.

We’re done with that phase of the tablet lifecycle. It’s time to move on. And if what that takes is a sincere apology from Apple, then I’d like to hear it. Hey, the company has done it before.

If you were Apple, what would you apologize for? Post your mea culpas below or email me: cringe@infoworld.com.

This article, “Apple to Samsung: Sorry you’re not as cool as we are,” was originally published at InfoWorld.com. Follow the crazy twists and turns of the tech industry with Robert X. Cringely’s Notes from the Field blog, and subscribe to Cringely’s Notes from the Underground newsletter.