What to get the tech titan who has everything

Like Santa, it’s my job to spread joy throughout the land on one day each year. This time I’ve decided to hand out gifts to a dozen or so of my favorite tech personalities. The key difference between me and the guy in the red suit and the white beard: Most of my recipients have been more naughty than nice.

Here’s who’s on my list and what they’ll be finding under the tree this year.

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Tim Cook: A magic wand and a pocketful of miracles. Now that the iPad Mini has made its inevitable debut, the Apple CEO may be forced to rely on sleight of hand to satisfy insatiable Appletons. An Apple HDTV? Maybe. An Apple car? Probably not. We’re not convinced there are any rabbits left in that hat Steve Jobs left behind.

Julian Assange: Black hair dye, a big bushy fake mustache, and a sombrero. With this disguise, the WikiLeaks founder may finally be able to climb out of that cubbyhole in London’s Ecuadorian embassy and escape to his new country of exile. Also: John McAfee’s private satellite phone number. If you’re gonna run from the law, Jules, at least learn how to make it interesting.

Steve Ballmer: An app that identifies 10 potential heirs to the CEO title and systematically forces them out of the company. The bad news? It won’t run on Windows RT.

John McAfee: The number of a good agent at CAA. Somebody has to make a movie out of his life, and I want to see it done right. I see Steven Soderbergh directing, with Johnny Depp in the title role, Lindsay Lohan as his snugglebunny Samantha, and Seth Rogen as faithful man servent and jungle pharmacist Rudolfo.

Mark Zuckerberg: A copy of “Bridge for Dummies” and a seat at the table with Warren Buffett and Bill Gates. The kid is pushing 30 — it’s time he took up another hobby besides killing his own food. Sitting across the table from Buffett and his bridge buddy Gates would offer a valuable education in what not to do when you take your company public. (Lesson No. 1: Don’t tell institutional investors one thing and everyone else another.)

Jill Kelley: A starring role on “Real Housewives of Tampa.” Now that’s she no longer go-to party gal for the military hoi polloi of the greater Tampa-St. Petersburg-Clearwater metropolitan area — and the South Korean embassy has asked for its “honorary consul” license plates back — this Kardashian wannabe needs a new gig. This one’s perfect: Kelley managed to kill the career of one of the most celebrated generals of our time, so she could probably manage to pull a 1.0 share for Bravo.

Larry Page: Charisma augmention surgery. Sure, he’s smart, but the new(ish) Google CEO is so dull he makes even Eric Schmidt look like Mick Jagger. Surely they must be developing some kind of gPersonality app in the gLabs.

Kim Dotcom: A lifetime all-you-can-eat pass to Saladworks. The megamillionaire founder of Megaupload is mega in every way — from his taste in cars and mansions to his appetite for schwarma. Even a SWAT assault on his New Zealand compound and a complete FBI shutdown of his digital locker site can’t stop him. Dotcom’s newest file-storage creation, dubbed simply “Mega” (what else?), promises to give heartburn to every Hollywood exec by offering one-click encryption, making it virtually impossible for the copyright cops to detect which files are pirated and which aren’t. Why salads? Because I’d like to see the 350-pound-plus 38-year-old stick around a little longer, just to find out what happens next.

Marissa Mayer: An economy-sized bottle of Midol for the inevitable headaches the Yahoo CEO will face once the honeymoon is over. It has to happen some time — this is Yahoo we’re talking about.

Chris Dodd: An all-expenses-paid trip to New Zealand. The former U.S. senator turned president of the MPAA can stay at the luxurious $24 million compound of Kim Dotcom — once they finish repairing the doors and windows that got destroyed in the raid the MPAA called “a massive success.” I’m sure they’ll have lots to discuss.

Matt Inman: Anger encouragement classes. The Oatmeal cartoonist does some of his funniest work when thoroughly PO’d at someone, whether it’s a weaselly attorney trying to squeeze money out of him or a clueless BuzzFeed contributor who slanders him while getting most of his facts wrong. Matt needs a new target. May we suggest Chris Dodd?

The editors at CNN, Fox, Gawker, BuzzFeed, and the many others who climbed all over each other in the rush to repeat “news” stories in the past year that turned out to be completely fictitious: Handsomely framed embroideries of the old j-school bromide “If your mother says she loves you, check it out.” All of these guilty parties could use a refresher course in Fact-Checking 101. Also: Your moms don’t really love you. I’ve confirmed that with two anonymous sources and Nate Silver, so I’m going with it.

May you all have a merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, joyous Kwanzaa, joyful Eid, happy solstice, and/or pleasant nonsectarian holiday of your choosing.

Who’s on your list this year, and what are you getting me — er, them? Post your holiday gifts below or email them to me: cringe@infoworld.com. Cash and money orders also gratefully accepted.

This article, “What to get the tech titan who has everything,” was originally published atInfoWorld.com. Follow the crazy twists and turns of the tech industry with Robert X. Cringely’s Notes from the Field blog, and subscribe to Cringely’s Notes from the Underground newsletter.