Questions lurk below Microsoft’s Surface

This just in: Microsoft has announced that CEO Steve Ballmer will be teaming up with Axl Rose and Tommy Lee to form a superband called Guns N Ballmers, which is planning a major U.S. stadium tour this fall.

Anyone buying that one?

[ In light of the news, Cringely respectfully retracts last week’s claim that Microsoft’s iPad killer was a not-so-true Hollywood story. | For a humorous take on the tech industry’s shenanigans, subscribe to Robert X. Cringely’s Notes from the Underground newsletter. | Get the latest insight on the tech news that matters from InfoWorld’s Tech Watch blog. ]

Last week I predicted that Microsoft screwing over its longtime hardware partners to build its own tablet PCs was about as likely as Steve Ballmer donning full-body tats and becoming a heavy metal musician.

We all know how that turned out. Now deeply humiliated, I am officially seeking asylum at the Ecuadorian embassy — or I plan to, once they get rid of that annoying Australian guy desperately in need of a dye job.

The surprise reveal of Surface, Microsoft’s don’t-call-it-an-iPad-killer tablet, achieved the desired effect: People are talking about — heck, even excited about — Microsoft for the first time in a long while.

But what exactly they’re excited about is still an open question. The introduction of the aptly named Surface offered a shimmery reflection but very little substance. InfoWorld’s Woody Leonhard runs down most of the dozens of questions the announcement leaves unanswered, like who’s actually building these things for Microsoft, what they are going to cost, and when anyone outside of Redmond can put their grubby hands on one of them.

Aside from some pretty pictures, we’re left with almost as little information as we started with last week. Or as GalleyCat’s Jason Boog puts it:

The devices feature an attachable keyboard, a nifty kickstand, and one model even has a stylus–all important tools for the mobile author. Nevertheless, they did not reveal a price for the new tablet and nobody had firm release date. You have to wait.

We waited an hour to see the device up close…. When we finally got to touch the tablet, we asked to see the Kindle or Barnes & Noble eBook app — but they weren’t prepared to show that yet. You have to wait. We asked to see the stylus in action up close, but they weren’t demonstrating that either. You have to wait.

While Microsoft clearly ripped a few pages from the Apple Bible with its last-minute planning and mysteriously cryptic invitations, it is falling down badly in one area Apple generally does right: Get these things in people’s hands as soon as they can. As ZDnet’s Ed Bott said prior to the big announcement:

Whatever Microsoft unveils tomorrow, I hope it’s not another big announcement of an exciting future product that won’t reach customers for 4-6 months or maybe even until next year.

Announce, excite, ship. If Microsoft has learned anything from Apple, that should be the biggest takeaway.

Instead we got: Announce, excite, and let us get back to you in four or eight months. Apparently Microsoft didn’t learn enough from Apple.

Meanwhile, Microsoft’s longtime hardware partners are probably feeling like somebody struck them upside the head with a blunt instrument (which is, by the way, another great name for a heavy metal band). Some of them got a heads-up call from Windows jefe Steve Sinofsky late last week; others were treated like mushrooms, as TechEye’s Nick Farrell puts it — fed s*** and left in the dark.

According to Reuters, Acer — now the second largest PC maker on the planet — learned about Surface the same way the rest of us did: via the blogosphere.

In any case, as InfoWorld’s Galen Gruman notes, it’s a sharp stick in the eye to the Wintel cartel, some of whom have been cuddling with the Redmond Reprobates for more than 30 years. Apparently they were just staying together for the kids. Now that the nest is empty, it’s time for a new trophy spouse.

I can’t imagine the folks on the Windows Phone team are all that happy about the timing of the announcement either. As I type this, they are revealing Windows Phone 8, which would have been the biggest tech news story in quite a while, if Surface hadn’t stolen the show.

So why announce this now, at least four months before anyone can actually buy one? Because they were afraid the news might leak out otherwise? Because Google is planning to announce its own branded tablet sometime in the next couple of months? Because Ballmer really is planning to retire soon so he can strap on his ax and hit the Highway to Hell?

Yet more mysteries, lingering just under the Surface.

Would you buy a Surface tablet? And if Steve Ballmer does start a heavy metal band, what should he call it? Post your thoughts below or email me: cringe@infoworld.com.

This article, “Questions lurk below Microsoft’s Surface,” was originally published at InfoWorld.com. Follow the crazy twists and turns of the tech industry with Robert X. Cringely’s Notes from the Field blog, and subscribe to Cringely’s Notes from the Underground newsletter.